What am i?Evil or good?

This picture represents that everyone that i know including me does something to take the pain away or cope.Some use drugs ,love , affection, or many other things.I’ll be honest im not happy with myself at this exact moment actually disappointed to be honest.The reason i say this is because, I keep catching myself in bad moments.Like me purposely causing chaos or thinking very bad things then i catch myself and get upset at myself.So i start questioning myself do i have an evil side, why do i like causing chaos sometimes.So i start thinking things like how i heard that when you grow up in dysfunctional household and lived with chaos your whole life that sometimes you tend to cause chaos.Then i also think about how i used to have voices constantly telling me about hurting others and bad things.Then i remembered when i wrote how i had like 3 sides to me one that was very nice and rational then the voice then the last was the part of me that agreed and would accept what i was being told causing me to having my own thoughts about harming things.It does not feel nice when i flip my switch into a mode i would as describe as evil in my opinion for example.When my friend got mad at me on facebook over a joke that me and my friend said in private messages she went off on me not even about what she started getting mad at in the first place.She said racist comments a bout asians then told me white men are weak you are weak.Also said im tiring and exhausting.I took all of it and stayed nice then i started thinking about how i’ve always took her feelings into consideration and treated her the best I could so i started like thinking why is she mad at me.Then out of nowehere i felt a deep hatred anger come over me.I was in a call with my friend and i said im about to blow up.He said chill out and then i thought to myself calm down relax.So i got out of that state ,but what i didnt like is the thoughts i was gettoing in that mode and what i would of said to her if i did blow up at  her.I was going to say everything possible use things i knew happened to her and other things i know and use them in the most hurtful way possible that i wouldnt even care if i made her kill herself.In fact i was thinking bad thoughts of how if she was in front of me id take my anger out.When i get out of that state i think how the hell could i think like that and freak out at myself.Not only that but one day i was just talking to a friend and thought about my fight with her on facebook and started crying uncontrollably then in 5 minutes i just snapped back to normal no transition.I literally was instantly fine like a mood swing or something thats never happened before.Another thing is i joined a call wtih my friends but noticed a person I didn’t like so i muted them because i didnt want to hear their voice but just knowing i was in there with him i started getting bad thoughts and really wanted to say things to him like i hope you slit your throat and drown in your blood or i wish i could watch you burn alive while i watch you suffer ,but then i caught myself again and just left the call.Everytime this happens i get upset ,because its not like me thats not who I am yet i get such a bad side and it scares me when i get to a super bad point like when i fought with ym friend on facebook i got the anger i ahd that caused me to go to the psych ward like a bloodlust.It scared me thats not who i am. Not only that but with all the stuff going on in america right now i tried to share my opinion but because im open to all sides and have my own opinion and if i slightly dont agree with someone i get called racist when i wasnt being at all.Not only that but my friends and family started fighting on facebook i see people posting nothing but hate and fighting.So my brain just snapped from it and i dont care about any of it now.I deleted all my posts even closely regarding it and my mind switched 180 to nothing.I guess its a brain overload.I also saw that i was causing arguments for no reason and i said i was done yet topday i said something just to trigger someone then realized i did it for no reason and apologized.I wonder to myself why am i like this.I also realized one day that i had no interest in anything i usually liked doing and was at my friends and i then felt what stress is like alot of it like a noticeable amount.Im better now but i still hate the side of me that gets into such a bad mindset that thinks bad things i really hate it.I will be talking to my therapist next week about it.Not only that but i also told ym mom me and my friend were talking about the stuff going on but she wouldnt understand.She then told me she would understand so i started saying just some of the stuff.I guess because i was on alot of caffeien talking really fast and my ideas were stuff shes never heard from me before she asked me if my meds were working and i got pissed and she started crying.Alls im saying is i think im a nice person in general but for some reason cause some chaos then i have a bad side of me that i hate and want to go away.It really worries me sometimes because thats not who i am so why do i get like that.I hate it so much.My friends says im a good friend and they im a good person but then i think they wouldnt think that if i got the bad side of me out they would change their opinion luckily it doesnt happen often but that stiull doesnt change the fact that its not ok.Like i eman the causing chaos thing is different then that bad side i get to.Like one.But i dont know why either happen.I really just wish i could be ok and without problems.Like I feel my will is being tested but i wont give up.Im stronger then i think i am i know i can get past this.All of this is just overwhelming and i really dont know what to do.Or how to fix it but i will tell my therapist and psych this stuff.Hopefully they can help me.At least ym friends are there for me and help me as much as they can.I dont really feel alone anymore like i used too when i was in a really dark place.I do feel bad that i have a hard time messaging friends back hoping they dont think i hate them or something.I’m glad i cut off some people because i feel more at peace now then before.Though when one thing is fixed another problem arrives.Like i just fully got off my risperidone and am only on the serequel now and i dont have those like mini psychosis’s and thats a very good feeling.I cant believe i only thought they were panic attacks.Not only that but my medicine wasnt working right.I still have probems though and i know i cant fix.ill try though.One last thing i wanted to say is how i thought i was going to die  on my street one night.I am already a very paranoid person as it is ,but i was backing out of ym driveway and this muscle car is slowly crawling past me as i see in my rear view mirror.So i stay in my driveway clsoe the garage car out of sight i put my music on.Then was debating to go all the way around the other side of my neighborhood ,but then thought he must be gone by now or at least at the end of the street so i back out and put my car in drive.He was only  a small ways in front of me two houses ahead stopped in the middle of the road which instantly gave me bad vibes.So i reluctantly pull up to him and im right behind him and he starts going although very slowly and iw as thinking at any moment something can happen so we get to the stop sign and a car comes around the corner coming towards my street and i just froze then the guy in front of me turned left so i turned right and called my friend the rest of the way to his house.Then my friends girlfriend was driving back to her house and her house is on the way to mine and she saw like 5 cop cars on the street connected to mine which only freaked me out further and i had alot of naseua.Thhats another thing i havent been able to eat without feeling naseua .So i have been losing some weight.The only other thing i can think of is i had like a mini ptssd moment when talking to this girl.Like i noticed stuff that that toxic girl i was talking to for a couple months was happening.It then brought me flashbacks which resulted in me feeling really sad.I talked to her about it though and she understood i expected a bad reaction but the fact it wasnt made me feel better. Anyways thats all for tonight.here is a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ktu8B7zNas

 

2 Comments

  1. I remember a passage in the bible. Some, speaking with our Lord, started with Good Teacher. Our Lord replied, why call me good? Only one is good.
    **When I say someone is good, I am saying they are a good person because their motives are to do what’s right. As I see it, they’re are following their conscience. They are being responsible. Not working to look good. Just doing what’s right in the moment. But I think, even in that, we are not good. It’s what we respond to within. If we follow lies, follow those doing wrong, then that’s our motivation: sin. If we follow what our Lord instills in us, listening to that still, inner voice, then that is our motivation. But no matter what, I am not good. The Father, the One who made me, Who instilled within me understanding, only He is Good. Without Him, I can do nothing.

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