I dont feel fine in fact im struggling

The picture speaks for itself.I dont usually feel depressed but like i said recently i’ve been feeling down and sad almost breaking down last night i almost had a panic attack and today i just feel really down.This feels really bad and concerning i know some of it it is outside factors  but overall not good.I can’t eat without feeling like im going to puke and im losing weight i dont know if its from stress anxiety or whatever.I also noticed when i take a xanax i can eat so i dont know what that means.The picture above is me right now.I love my friends and they are great but i also feel alone again in a way everytime i trying to talk to someone about my problems they either ignore it or make me feel about it.Like i dont feel like i can say anything to not one person i just need someone to help me please.Im having spikes in anxiety and really down like at times i feel like im going to breakdown or that i just want lay in my bed an do nothing all day im already not doing things i normally do.Let me just talk about what happened last night My friend wanted me to come over at 1 am i come over we sit in his car and listen to some rock music and i got chills down my spine it was so beautiful we listened to music for an hour then went inside.Before we went inside he took a xanax .We were hanging out in his room everything was fine but then the xanax came in and he was slurring speech and he kept tyring to get me to stay but what he doesnt understand whats the point in staying when hes so messed up he cant hold a conversation.For example i asked him a question then he was talking about his mom making burgers at 2 am.No sense.so i left but the other night before that he was also on a xanax and drinking on it and when i was going to leave he walked outside because he was going to pick up his girlfriend he almost fell over multiple times i told him i was going to let him drive so i waited with him till his gf was ready picked her up and dropped them off the thing is he would of droven if i not said that and he has driven like that before.Its affecting me its sad to see a friend getting so fucked up all the time.so anyway i got home bummed out thinking about how my friend gets really fucked up.Then i usually watch alot of reddit story videos so i watched one called secrets that would ruin your life if anyone found out .I watched all 38 minutes of it.There was some really traumatic stuff in there.so i felt really really down then out of nowhere my friend a different one texts me are u awake so i thought something bad happened so i asked her if shes ok then she told me about some stuff but i started almost having a panic attack and because of that this friend that texted me introduced me to her friends the other day and i talked to her friend for hours without her so in my mind im thinking im bothering them because they dont know me and maybe my friend is amd im becoming friends with her friends you know typical anxiety stuff going out of control so i took a xanax and felt better later.Today i dont remember why i started feeling down but i remember one night a friend had a conversation with me in the car talking about a post that another friend made saying how you should just go get a job to feel better and fix your life so obviously hes hinting at me i should get a job and then he told it will click one day but then says if you were 30 doing nothing i dont know if id want to be your friend and that really hurt and i said ok and he said you would be fine with that?well the thing is words have effects on people its not like plan on doing nothing all my life he has event old me before ive seen people with your problems do stuff before.That makes my feelings feel invalidated because not everyone is the same im struggling right now.He is one of my closest friends and it just makes me feel like i cant talk to anyone about it i try with other friends they say im sorry i dont know how to help or say oh and ignore me thats why im feeling alone.This is a horrible feeling then my dad was tlaking about his dad had bad depression and had to be instituted multiple times and he couldnt understand how his dad a christian would get thoughts like that.Thats the sad part people who dont know one thing how we feel say stuff like that they dont know mental illnesses are hard for everyone of anykind.So i told ym dad you dont even know some of the stuff ive thought or had to deal with then i told him about how one time i wanted to killmyself to see god and he didnt say anything then i tried to explain to him people dont know how it feels unless they been through it.I just want to feel better im not having suicidal thoughts or anything right now but if this keeps going i dont know if i will or not this is hard to take on.Last time i talked to my therapist she was talking to me about hospitalization inhouse again and i didnt feel like i need to got to that.I even resotring to trying to drink yesterday and i would of done it but i felt like i was going to puke so i just dumped it down the sink.I havent drank in like 5 months.Thre was one day i tried to black myself out i took 2 mg xanax and 4 mg klonopin but i didnt even blackout.I dont know what to im lost i just need my psych to call me back or have a appointment with my therapist.I just need help.Yet i feel like i have no one to talk to i tried to message so many of my friends and nothing one even told me im struggling as well have a good one love you man.Like thanks that helps man i have no motivation im losing interest in things, feeling hurt, feeling like no one cares ,I have nothing i can do in this moment i feel really bad.The people that im not close to askinbg me how im doing i like and say fine but when i try to get help from my actual friends nothing.Not only that but most people dont think on things on the level i do and i can always read the vibes of people when talking about certain things.I like watching videos and talking about things like how the people in history used DMT to talk to entities in multiple cultures way back and how humans try to rationalize stuff  such as a religion telling them how they got here or for atheist the big bang theory and evolution when the thing is we really dont know you can believe what you want i was born christian but even then i question things from that religion.Like you know how alot of them dont like gays because its in the bible but god wants you to accept everyone or why a loving god would send gay people to hell stuff like that.In all reality no matter what we rationalize how we got here but its actually a mystery.You can deadset believe god  in what religion you are but the thing is you werent here that long ago we really dont know any like even the big bang theory itself is liek so we came from an explosion? where did this explosion come from? people will do anything to rationalize its everywhere throughout human history.Another cool thing is everyone that lives dies.People rationalize that too that theres a heaven or your just nothing thats fine whatever you believe but its actually that we dont know.I like watching videos of people who did and came back some say nothing happened others have expieriences like my grandpa did.I have seen stuff my self that was odd suchg as when i was driving across the country to see my grandpa who was in in bad condition it was dark stormy lightning then out of nowhere the weirdest thing happened in the middle of the dark clouds a hole opened up and in that hole was the sun and it lit of the dark clouds right when that happened my dad got a call my grandpa died right then.So yes that was very nice.I listened to the whole joe rogan podcast with alex jones all 5 hours .I have an open mind and love hearing anybody’s theories on anything and think about them.I also think its crazy how the strongest psychedelic DMt makes you see and talk to entities some would say they are fake others say they think they tuned into something else i just love it all .Also the fact that life can just be created from nothing is a mystery in itself like yeah i know theres science behind it but its still a crazy concept that we can just create another free willed concious being.My beliefs are that i believe in a higher power but that power i do not know what it is or anything.I was raised christian but i have chosen to know there is a higher power just not from any relgion but when i die i guess ill find out.Whether theres an afterlife or nothingness we dont know but im fine with whatever happens i do feel there is something after death.Like we were put here and billions of people  have died over the years everyone lives and dies and many fear death and fear the unknown.i fear death but not of what comes after.The thing is i can talk about many more things for hours and theres not many people who would talk about this stuff or they are uncomfortable with it or regular people think your crazy.Like if your a devote christian and you wont change your mind no matter what thats fine and if you judge me for having doubts thats fine but sometimes its ok to question somethings and listen to other things and think on thema nd form your own voice you dotn have to believe everyting someone says even if it is crazy but dont judge.Thats all for now.I feel better halfway through typing this because i took a xanax awhile ago and it kicked in.So now im relaxed and fine but i dont like having to take a drug to feel fine you know.Have a good night.Heres a song

 

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