The demons everyone fights

This picture represents many things it represents the fact you look fine on the outside whether you being depressed or having anxiety but the bottom half is the inside where your going crazy.If you dont know what the picture is on the bottom half the background is a picture drawn buy a guy named vincent van goph who had mental illness.On the bottom half is when the joker has already snapped and lost it.This picture also represents the fact that we have two sides of ourselves well some of us for me.I am a very nice person and care for others unlike back in the day my heart has since opened ,but i still have this side of me that has a dark harmful thought thinking evil like self is the only way i can explain it.Ive snaped a couple times hence why i went to the psych ward.Anyway Yesterday i was in the car with my friend and we were walking to his house and this moth was flying like crazy around his door so we knew we had to kill it and it finally lands but guess where it landed on the doorbell.Everyone is asleep i the house so we cant hit the doorbell and its 2 am.so my friend gets a hose and sprays it and i run up and start stomping i thought it was pretty funny.We get inside and i wanted him to watch the new music video for a kpop group after we watched it i was all hyped up then he played a video of the kpop group trying to not laugh at funny videos.I dont know why but i saw one of them laugh barely ata video that wasnt even funny so i knew they were faking it then i saw one wipe her eye like she had a tear from laughing and it started a non stop laughing from me for like 30 minutes straight i was laughing so hard i was dizzy and sweating.I eventually calmed down but somehow after that the night got more serious we started talking about some stuff that effects us because we are really close and then we stated tlaking more and i brought up something and it caused my friend to have a breakdown.Then i listened to him for a long time.Then i talked him about how i related to some stuff.It hurt to hear some of the stuff i love him so much and hes fighting so many battles right now and i wish i could do anything to help him.If my friend died i dont know what i would do hes not suicidal nut its just other things and stuff we talked about and i realized while talking to him we had certain things in common of how we felt as a result of trauma and other things.My friend talked in alot of detail about stuff thats happened to him.I wish we both could of grown up in a functional family and its sad because parents dont really know how much they are affecting their kids.For example i had another friend who was hurt because her mom called her a dissapointment for something so small.It just angers me so much.Not only that but me and him cant be this open with anyone else because they would either freak out ,not understand, or just not listen.The traumas that happen to you stick with you and people dont know that.I also even told my grandma ill always resent my parents.I told my friend that too and he told me that they always did stuff for me and love me help me out all the time.The thing is though i could explain it to him for his situation about how he probably resents someone.Let me explain i love my parents ,but that doesnt change how much they fucked my life up.They dont even apologize or anything.I cant even talk about it with them because they still wouldnt understand or just get mad so ill alwayts have resentment for them.How do they not know how they affected me when i went to the fucking psych ward because i snapped and borderline was about to fucking kill both my parents.I kmow that sounds harsh.Not only growing did i have bad voices about this stuff about harming its also the small things that build up overtime and it was also a factor.My dad one time i talked about it to my friend how when he was twisting my ear but i have a problem where i laugh at wrong times so i was smiling and that amde my dad angrier and he did it worse so i called the cops on my dad.He was telling me to get off the phone with them and the operator said stay on the phone.Guess what when the cops showed up he literally said i have schizophrenia i dont know what im talking about.That hurt i also know what it feels like being treated differently then how they treat others.Same with my friend.I see my friend drinking more and more and sometimes on a pill which is dangerous and sometimes he drives too like that.I know hes doing it to cop and i dont blame him because we both been through alot.It just makes me sad because it would crush me if he died and i wish he could get help somehow or get his own house.The thing is most of my friends that know me dont know how much unstable moments ive had.They would never expect someone like me to act those ways.I cant even tell them surface level stuff.either it was a hard night i also started getting triggered thinking about some stuff that ahppened to me my body was tingly for 2 hours straight i had goosebumps i was felt like i was in burning heat and getting worked up.People dont understand these things because they havent been through it.When someone says just stop thinking that it literally does makes people feel worse>imagine you trying to express some feelings and they brush it off or dont understand you feel alone no matter who your surrounded by.Im glad i ahve a real friend that has done so much for me hes like a blood brother to me hes done stuff no other friend has even gone the lengths he has.He said at one point i nkow other people have it worse ,but i told him it doesnt matter what anyone else goes through how you feel about the stuff that happened to you is as valid.Everbody reacts differently to stuff.We all have ways to cope also.I gave  my friend a hug when he calmed down because i love him man.I just wish he had a better support system.It is al very crazy.Well thats enough about that something happened today and it made me bummed out.I was talking to a friend and she went to sleep so my friend just randomly sent me a link to a random video room you know hows theres all these random video chat rooms everywhere.I joined it and it really affected me.It was like a reality show.The only way you can talk is if your on camera i wasnt on camera but i could hear and there people being super racist saying some really rapey sounding stuff to these girls who were drunk and also the fakest girls ive ever actually witnessed.It was too much for me to handle.I had to take a xanax.and im still feeling down from it.Thats all for tonight i dont nkow what im going to do for the rest of the night ,but ill figure it out.

Heres a song:

 

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