This picture represents the fact i sleep a minimum of 12 hours a day but not just that i sleep anywhere to 12-20 hours at some points.I had one day where i went to sleep at night and woke up at night and it had been 20 hours.I like sleeping because the dream world feels like its sometimes better then the real world.Everything tries to wake me up my parents, my alarms , me being shaken and i wake up for a split second but im still thinking dreamlike stuff then i go back to sleep and start a new dream.The dreamlike state when i wake up is pretty weird because i am awake and i tell my parents to go away and stuff then sometimes i dont even go back to sleep just think crazy dreamlike stuff with my eyes closed till i just get up out of nowhere.If i can dream forever and not be in this world i would do it in a heartbeat.I lvoe my dreams they arent like realistic dreams or anything they are just so cool like happy fantasy world.I never have nightmares.Sometimes i wonder what happens after you die you know sure some believe their religion or think its nothing but i feel theres something.Im not suicidal or anything just like thinking about things.Yesterday wasnt a good day ,because i saw some fries in the fridge and said im gonna eat these fries and my dad tells me to hand them over to him then he tries to tell my brother to eat them.I knew they were his but they been there for 4 days.I told my dad next time im just not going to tell you he said then then i wont buy anymore food for you and i said thats still not gonna stop me from eating what i want ,because everytime i save food you all eat it so too bad.As you know my dad has very bad anger problems and he got mad jumped up and said you wanna handle this.I didnt know what he meant but he was really angry.Then he said im taking your credit card i was like ok.My mom can just let me use hers she even told me we all know my dad is a fucking crazy piece of scum.Anyways i took a anxiety med was looking for someone to talk to but it was late saw my uncle who was online on facebook messaged he responded and called me.He helped me calm down and said i should go on a drive and just park somewhere.So i parked in front of my friends work. I told him i know hes working but im just going to be here anyway and listen to music.I sat in my car in the same spot from 8 pm till 2 am.I called my mom and wouldnt tell her where i was.She texted me please come home and shortly after that my phone died.My friend got his 10 minute lunch and we talked then he went back to work.I was upset because i wanted to listen to music and then i forgot i used to listen to 50’s music before i started using my phone alot and mind you this whole time to the left side out the window i just stared at the moon the whole time.Seeing the streaking of light that come out when i see light at night.For some reason I started getting suicidal thoughts and i remember before i went on the drive i was watching videos about suicide and stuff so im sitting in my car thinking what would happen if i took all my pills.Right then i started thinking about every one of my friends and family that it would affect and how they would be sad and i was crying while still looking at the moon for like 40 minutes u ntil my friend who was at work was worried so he called his girlfriend to check on me she pulled right next to me as i was crying and asked if im ok and i said no.After talking to her i felt better but then my friend was stressed at work and made his girlfriend cry.Then i just went to my friends house for awhile wanted to go home i took an anxiety med and my night meds and my therapist texted me cuz i said i need to talk to her as soon as possible she said can we do it at 1 pm i saod ok but for some reason my meds hit me differently i felt slumped and very loopy and messed up and it was 11 am.My eyes were heavy i could focus and i was just really messed up so i texted my therapist that i couldnt do it because i was really messed up and said im going to sleep.She texted me are you safe? i said yes then laid on my bed and i heard more text from her but ignored them ,because i was just out of it and she was probably thinking i took alot or something.I woke up today at 9:30 pm and its 2 am right now.I remember though while at my friends house i was thinking of how if my dad ever got physical with me which i wouldnt doubt he would hence how hes pushed me before over and over and he put his hands around my neck.So i was thinking if he every tries to attack me me ill gouge his fucking eyes out so he cant ever see again.I dont care about fighting he tries to get physical with me im going for the eyes.If he became blind i was thinking how if he was ever around me again i would just tell him all the thoughts ive ever thought of of how hes the root cause of my trauma and my families and much of bad person he is yet hes a so called christian fuck off.I thought about all the bad things hes ever done to me and the funny thing is everyone around him think hes the best person in the world.Ive been tempted to tell him family members how much of a shitbag he is.Only reason i havent isbecause im in his house so when im independent im going to tell everyone of his family and i will always resent my parents.My mom is ok but i dont think ill have my dad in my life and if i have kids i wont let him see them maybe then when hes shut out he will realize how bad he is.I wouldnt care if he felt so bad he committed suicide.I know thats dark but I wont ever forgive him.The even worse part is he doesnt ever think he does anything wrong hes laughed at me about getting mad at my mom and making her cry.I remember when i got amd at my mom then my dad blew up at her for no reason my mom called the cops my dad literally tried telling me what to say so he wasnt arrested and when i said i wanted my grandma he was saying leave dont talk to him.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJFb6eAjxffSu5cBqHwH7uXpDTi6-YbD/view?usp=sharing
That link is to a video of how i feel when i snap i had to upload it to a googledrive because it wont let me post a video unless i pay more.
Overall though i feel dreams are a better reality then this reality.Thats all for tonight ill end it with a song.R.I.P Mac Miller
Daily life with Schizophrenia 