Unstable,misunderstood,alone

This picture represents me thinking how it will be when i feel better also how i feel like im in my own world all alone but making the best of what i can.You can only make things beautiful as you believe beyond that is temporary imagination.Yeah i really dont know how i feel right now theres alot to explain and stuff has happened since i last wrote.So I started noticing a problem the past 3 weeks .becausae i would be talking and realizing that people arent listening /ignoring me.I dont blame them though because i realized i talk too much and at a very rapid pace.I was also told by my therapist and family they all noticed it and to talk to my psych about it.Some people didnt see it as a problem which ill get into it later about that and how i have a bad support system ,but thats for later.So i saw my psych last friday and its 9 pm wednesday which is the time i have to take my new dosage of meds.In fact i just took my meds right now and in probably about 30-1 hour ill be so sedated ill just slee.SO yeah i saw my psych and she was telling me i was on a huge dose of my other meds and that the dose i was on with serequel was very low for schizophrenia.She instantly tripled the dose from 100 to 300 mg serequel.My mom was surprised she tripled it.I know what that means it means for like the first week ill be messed up and sedated badly ,but thats how it works.ALso the day that i happened to see my psych was the height of my hyperness.I talked to my mom from 7 am to 1:40 pm non stop without her stopping me.I didnt say the same subject twice and when i went to my gmas i talked to my grandma till my mom got back and i remeber constantly saying this is the last thing and it wasnt.I went on topics from government conspiracies to psychology to different world laws and cultures to world history and on random topics that would turn into 5 more topics to explain that topic then i go to the main topic mention 1 small thing and branch off 5 different ways.Anyways i knew this was not healthy nor good the other thing is after i finally stopped talking i sat down at my computer i had so much energy it felt uncomfortable i felt like a tweaker i dont know how to explain it but as you know i try to fix things if i see its a problem to me especially.Well i dont remember which night, but i took my meds at 9 pm my psych said no matter when i sleep take them at 9 pm so i did so this is prob first or second night i think second.My friend wanted to hangout i told him i dont think i can drive as it was 10 pm and im sedated beyond what anyone can comprehend.By the way a sedated high isnt fun or anything enjoyable like other highs people would like say xanax or weed or anything.It literally messes you up so much your mind cant think its blank your emotions are dimmed and you you cant fight the feeling of sleeping.Im not even joking a high dose of an antipsychotic works better for sleep then the highest mg ambien pill would.The reason people arent prescribed these doses for sleep is because they also do things to your brain drowsiness is just a side effect that happens a majority of the time.Think about it this way some people are prescribed serequel for insomnia but guess what the dose is 25 mg think about that if 25 mg helps people with insomnia imagine how im taking 300 mg.25 mg wont change your brain chemistry too much but if your curious look up what antipsychotics actually do.Like i was saying it was 10 pm told my friend he might have to pick me up i cant drive.He said ok then he got off at 1:30 i told him i think i can drive.I felt alittle bit less sedated then at first but i only felt like i could drive a short distance like to my friends house which is 1 min away.So i get there he can tell im not talkative and the same as before when hes making jokes im not reacting how i have been i wouldnt laugh or he would also say sing it with me which is a little joke we do where we say random words then say sing it the other person just makes lyrics of the first ones.we just do random stuff like that.At some point we were watching youtube and i told him how sedated i am and theres no doubt he couldnt tell.When i was watching a simple youtube video everything said within 2 seconds sounded completely random and didnt make sense but if i was fine it would prob be really simple ,but like i said these sedate you and you can think.I told him i dont know whats going on and he said im not paying attention i then told him yes i am paying attention then he says im pretty sure your not paying attention.which affected me later by the way ties into bad support system.So i go home the last weeks been fuzzy but i have very vivid crazy unrealistic dreams all the time so id write them down or for fun post them on social media like some dreams would be in third person.Well one day between now and last friday i slept 17 hours and woke up at 2 pm then had some anxiety at around 7 pm so i took an anxiety med put my earbuds in with light off.I was listening for what seems like 10 mins when my mom taps me and tells me its  9pm so i take my meds and go to sleep.Think about that i slept 17 hours wake up at 2 go to sleep by 9 and sleep another 12 hours.Thats also what happens on antipsychotics you sleep for long periods.Anyway just today i was at my friends house and he told me he like me when i was talkative more ,because id talk in depth about everything like how i said i had alot of energy and branch.Well he saw a difference and said to me i like it better when you were talkative another sign of a bad support system.before i go on let me tell you why these are bad support systems from friends.1. i told him im sedated and tell him i dont know whats going on he says im not paying attention so i tell him i am then he reaffirms that im not.Why is that bad because he doesnt even think or remember the fact im sedated yet he can see a difference in me so he tries telling me what im doing even though i know im paying attention.2.he said he liked it better when i was ore talkative.why is this bad? well the fact he likes me more talkative and im a logical and reasonable thinker so i think with logic and reason.The fact he likes it betetr that im talkative is purely for her personal interests.It makes me feel as if he would rather me suffer and be unstable so i act in a way he likes then feel betetr myself and talk less.Thats some psychology for you i love psychology.Anyway something happened last night i told myself to remember before i slept but i wa so sedated when i woke up i forgot.When i was at my friends house he said the word trippy which triggered a flashback like memory and about something very important.The night before i took my meds at 9 pm by 10 i was gonna sleep but before i did i looked at my ceiling and my room was dark except a light on my ceiling by the window from the gap between the window and curtains.Other then that my room was dark my curtains are  also hard black so light cant get through which i mainly got because i got paranoid i was gonna be shot through my window back when i had the psychotic episodes not too far back.Now im going to tell you two things i didnt notice as alarming till i thought about it and the third was very obvious and your going to think about how could i possibly not know i was having visual hallucinations that i dont usually have well the meds sedate you thats all i can say.I was even saying over and over before i slept to remember this by morning completely gone.So when my friend said the word trippy i flashed back.This is what happened 3 things 1. my room was constantly getting brighter and darker which made no sense when i thought about it now because my lights were off and only a small amount of light was on the ceiling how could that make my whole room dark and bright.2. when i close my eyes i would see pictures images that i wasnt thinking vividly like close eyed hallucinations the past couple nights and like i said sometimes you dont know whats normal or not  well this third thing was very noticeable.3.i opened my eyes looked at the where the light was touching my ceiling and my whole vision had blacklines hundreds all crossthreaded in my whole field of vision thats not even the craziest part the middle and surronding areas were actualy swirling moving in what seems like an acid trip all the black lines were moving and like condensed swirl areas then there were other moving black threads.I also saw in my vision where you can see the egdes i know the word but dont know how to spell it perefireal thats what it sounds like.I saw in the surounding areas even where it was darka nd i could not see the threads i still saw the wavey motions in the darkness.That was when i knew for a fact theres a red flag that just happened last night.When my friend said the word trippy i think it triggered the flashback because when it was happening i said this is trippy in my mind.I forgot to mention i closed my eyes looked in different areas rubbed them and saw all the black threads.So as soon as i remembered i called my psych and left a message which i hope she calls tomorrow and i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.The way my family is a bad support sytem is because they are trying to rationalize everything i say such as when i said im sedated heavily my mom would say maybe its because you took an anxiety med with it when i know whether i mix them or not same effect.Then my mom says im on a strong dose because a patient  of hers was on 75 mg and had to go down to 25.Therefore my 300 was a megadose to which i explained to her antipsychotics  at certain doses treat different things.It can be used for insomnia(25mg) major depression(100mg) bi polar (100mg around) then for schizophrenia it can go from 150-750.Mind you i was on 8 mg of risperdal before i got on this so look at the equivalent of the meds in dosage i was on 100 mg at first.People often try to rationalize things to their own narrative i have noticed.I think it is a very natural human instinct.Some examples would be how religion says what the afterlife is so you can rationalize the thought of how were here.Science  rationalizes how were here by evolution and one theory is called the big bang theory that a giant explosion just happened but no matter how much you try to rationalize you really actually do not know how you are here.Or the fact humans can create an actualy new concious mind that grows up and stuff.It is very incredible.Anyways i got off track the reaosn that is a bad support system is because they are trying to tell you what is doing this and causing that in you.Makes you feel alone and not understood.The meds are starting to kick in im probably going to sleep soon.Another thing im a paranoid person also have anxiety and overthink.So when i told my parents about the hallucinations they were trying to rationalize this and that and i walked to my room not 5 minutes later i walk out my mom is in her room with the door locked so i thought my parents either got in a fight because of me or its because i texted her saying what the dosage is for schizophrenia and she didnt answer so i called my grandma telling her about alot of stuff then my mom walked in and just happened to take a nap ad everything was fine which i could tell she was being sincere.Another thing is I still feel i have alot of energy but people are all telling me they notice a difference.I forgot the rest i was going to say because im getting more sedated by the second but to end my post i will post a song not any song but a song that relates to me and i will have the lyrics under the vid and how it relates to me then im going to sleep.

“Well, maybe I should wake up instead
A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget”
(I should probably focus on myself instead of always being in the dreamworld and actually improve and i secretly regret alot of my decisions but i just tell myself i forgot about them like blocking them out)
“Why can’t it just be easy?”
(Self explanatory)
“Why does everybody need me to stay?
Oh, I hate the feeling
When you’re high but you’re underneath the ceiling”
“Got the cards in my hand I hate dealing”
(I have to make these hard decisions on my own and only alone ,but i wish i wasnt the one who had to decide and wish life would be easier)
“Yeah
Get everything I need, then I’m gone
But it ain’t stealing”
“Can I get a break?
I wish that I could just get out my goddamn way
What is there to say?
There ain’t a better time than today”
(I wish i had more time to relax and  have some peace and calm ,but thats the easy way and i know i should do something so i wish i could get out of my way theres no other way to put it and you can start as soon as today)
“Maybe I’ll lay down for a little, yeah
‘Stead of always trying to figure everything out
And all I do is say, “Sorry”
Half the time, I don’t even know what I’m sayin’ it about”
(Maybe i should relax for the moment instead of thinking on it to where it fuels anxiety give myself some time to think.I also have a very bad habit of saying sorry to everyone about anything so i dont even know what im saying it about)
“Good news, good news, good news
That’s all they wanna hear
No, they don’t like it when I’m down
But when I’m flying, oh, it make ’em so uncomfortable
So different, what’s the difference?”
(Alls people want to hear about is the good stuff and dont ever look at someone and think you never know what they are going through maybe its nothing maybe its suicidal ideation and they plan to write a note.Like how everyone instinctively says how are you? and then you replay good  thats what everyone expects but if someone said bad day today it would be awkward.Then when your having your down days no one will listen try to help me or anything ive tried all my friends no one likes negative stuff and avoid it unless its their own problems and they need the help.crazy double standards ,but when im happy doing good in something that the other person is lacking such as personality or not abusing something they get uncomfortable because they compare themselves to you and think they have to meet the standards of them.Like if someone is in a picture of a frat house going on spring break they think to themselves why am i not doing that were the same age yet i am nowhere close to that and then they feel insecure.The odd thing is how your treated when your feeling down vs when your feeling up feels so different ,but what is the difference?)
“It could always be worse
I’m running out of gas, hardly anything left
Hope I make it home from work
Well, so tired of being so tired”
(Things can always be worse and the hardly out of gas hope i make it home from work is all the small inconveniences and unstable moments ,but you still have hope ,but in a way where you been through alot already.Im tired of being tired and unmotivated.)
“Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?”
(Why do i feel im better then the next bad things happen and ive made so much progress and had structure now look at me im in my room 24/7 playing a video game on social media or watching videos all the stuff i ahd all the happiness and motivation i got from my help all burnt to the ground)
“I’m no liar, but sometimes the truth don’t sound like the truth
Maybe ’cause it ain’t, I just love the way it sound when I say it”
(Sometimes we as people myself included are so in denial that we make it true in our minds but the moment you sit on the fake truth you chose it because you liked the way it sounded but others around you know whats actually true even tho your in your own truth)
“Yeah, so what I do?
If you know me, it ain’t anything new
Wake up to the moon, haven’t seen the sun in a while
But I heard that the skies still blue, yeah
Heard they don’t talk about me too much no more
And that’s a problem with a closed door”
(i know i do these things and am in denial because i dont want to face my problems so what do i do i dont even know where to start.If you know me well you know i do the same things good or bad habits so its nothing you wouldnt expect.I mostly during the last 2 months and more wake up at night and sleep at night.so i havent seen the sun in awhile but i heard its still blue.I take this as in how i actually like the daytime better and know i can still try to fix my sleep not only that but i heard the sky is still blue means to me also how most activities are in the daytime so while im sleeping not aware of anything daytime related ,but i still know thats happening.)
The rest of the lyrics you can figure out thanks for reading have a good night.

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