This picture represents to me even really good people have evil in them in some degree whether selfish desire or being hateful, the exact opposite of what your religion tells you no one is perfect.This picture also fits in today’s blog.You have people you dont know what their intent is unless you notice it through the smoke screen.I am writing a post on this topic because of a post i saw and since i like psychology i wanted to write about it. This post said (“I like your personality” no shit i altered it to match yours).It made me reflect on myself i instantly knew thats something i do.The question is what is the purpose of doing this and is their intent malicious or innocent.What is the reason they do this.I would like to show my perspective and compare how someone who doesnt have malice intent others use for manipulation.Now when i saw this post i know i do it because i have many friend groups that behave completely different from each other.I match the energy or vibes of a person or group im talking to.After awhile of knowing someone you and your friend group have your own slang then you go to another and its a whole different energy and you dont use those slang or talk the way you do with the other to this one.It’s kinda like the concept of mirrored emotions.If you are talking to someone who is in a bad mood and feeling down you may feel down as a natural human emotion.It’s like that with me and friend groups they all behave their own way and i like making friends all the time.I am open minded to things.That is why one of my friends say i am like joe rogan because he will talk about the wildest stuff with a completely different views stances stories anything.I watched alex jones and joe rogans podcast people often see alex jones as a crazy conspiracy theorist , but alot of people are friends with him you just dont hear about it because he is censored on everything except his own site that runs of his own merch.People probably dont know that the guy who trump commuted or however you spell it roger stone signed his commune on alex jones site i know because i saw it live when wondering what he was talking about.Joe rogan and alex jones have been friends for over 20 years. He is still friends with him even if people got mad that he made a podcast with alex because he said the sandy shooting was fake.I watched all 4 hours and 40 minutes of it very interesting.Thats what i like to do i will talk to anyone about anything.Some people if someone said something weird to them even if its their friend they would show disinterest or shutdown their friend.I do the opposite i talk to them about it and ask stuff about it and try to see from their perspective.From a psychological standpoint I know when people will listen without judgment will make them feel happier and less insecure about something they are insecure about therefore trust you more and be more open.Such as giving a compliment.Now as you can see a genuine friendship with a person like that they actually care about their friends interests and topics.Think from a different perspective now lets say a manipulative knows the same psychological thinking.They could easily alter their personalities to make people like them more and act like they care about them ,but have malice intent and use the info they learn to manipulate without them knowing.Imagine you saying your deepest darkest secrets to someone only for you unknowlingly have someone who knows your interests what you like and more for their benefit. People sometimes manipulate without even noticing it. When you actually enjoy talking to people and making friends having a caring open minded personality can also attract toxic people. There are many reasons for this whether they need attention or want to feel liked by someone on a very close friendship because their whole life they felt like they havent had a genuine friendship.We can even branch from there do they want to be loved or liked because no one else cares for them because of bad people or are they not liked because they are toxic and slowly push everyone away.Some people that are toxic dont know if they are toxic at times they may notice stuff every once in awhile. Such as getting angry at your friend for no reason or guilt tripping without thinking.For example if you cared for a friend that has some toxic traits and you arent observant lets say your me your prescribed xanax the highest dosage pill and alot of it.Your friend is stressed and having bad times so you offer a xanax to help out.They cant believe how much it helped them so you keep helping them and subconsiously they expect and take advantage of your kindness. They just want to get high or to forget pain or to be calm.It gets to the point they start asking for them casually and expecting you to give one.Then finally one day you say not today and they actually get mad at you.Not only that but you find out your missing two pills u put on their shelf while u spent the night forgetting about them the next day and remembering you left them thee only to find out he says i took them back.This isnt an example by the way this happened to me. I called them out on their lie and they admitted.Thats how kindness can be taken advantage of.I did notice these things the whole time so thats why i said not today to see their reaction.I know they have an addictive personality. The other day a friend told me “I dont know how to make a conversation” i told them i do it all the time and i used her friend for an example how i just met her in a voice call at 12 am my friend fell asleep leaving me and her 2 friends around 4 am one got off i didnt leave despite never talking to them before then i talked to her one friend till 9 am way past when i usually sleep because i was enjoying talking to them.I actually dont care about talking about myself alot or listening to my music.I like talking about what other people like and its easy to talk to people.I know that people enjoy talking about themselves and their interests as do i without meaning to talk about things for awhile. You can make a conversation around stuff about them and tlak to them in depth about stuff they like and all that. That kind of stuff increases a friendship bond unlike you meet a person but mostly talk about yourself and they are showing signs of disinterest.While talking to people i dont make it about the the whole time sometimes i relate to certain stuff and i talk about it or i find out we have a similar interest.Like if me and my friends go in my car i almost never put my music on i let them play what they want because i like all types of music and i have found stuff i like through listening to friends music even if i dont really enjoy it im not goig to ask them to change it unlike one of my friends who has some narccisitic tendencies.Like when i played a japanese song he demanded for me to change it. I have mental notes and observe everyone i meet. Someone that knows the same information with malice intent such as one person i knew talked about the stuff they liked but more malice intentions.His intentions were using these psychological reactions to make them feel special and trust him then he would slowly start turning the conversation sexual and they are blinded to the red flags despite not even knowing him for a long time and trusting him.he mad ethem feel special and they would send nudes to him he even did it to many of my mutual friends who i would of never thought that would happen then he would be done with them.I may have a very dirty mind but overall i dont really care about sexual stuff in real life i dont find it appealing either.I like asians but to me when i see an asian girl i think instantly they look cute and innocent vs someone who likes asians lustfully and their first thoughts or objectifying them.Alot of guys and girls also think they are getting hints that someone likes them because a girl smiles at them or compliements a guy. When people like someone they tend to overthink tings and think that this girl is interested whe all she was doing was being nice. I just talk to somebody and always think of things in a friendly way.I even have blindly not noticed hints before because i view them as a friend and didnt think anything different of their behavior.There are times where i have been interested in people and had bad anxiety overthinking how im gonna talk to them and what im going to say then when in the moment i just naturally talk to them.You can try to think of stuff your going to say but in the moment stuff happens naturally in alot of cases.I have really bad anxiety too so before and after talking i would be overthinking.Manipulative people subconsiously can tell when someone is more vulnerable or a people pleaser the longer they are with them therefore use them for their benefit. Heres examples from two perspectives.1. you get to know someone and like them and talking to them but you are observant and notice they are insecure about certain things. You as a friend try to make them feel less insecure about themselves because everyone is their own biggest critic.2. On the other hand a manipulative person talking to you charmingly and notices you have insecurities and make you feel bad about them or see your more of a vulnerable person. They see your a people pleaser that you try to do things for other people even if you dont want to any observant person would notice these signs.Or if you apologize constantly people pick up on stuff when they are observing.After a manipulative person finds out your vulnerable they use your insecurities or know how to take control of you.I dont know really on what their tatics are about that because i never have tried to control someone as much as i can remember. I actually like talking to people about their interests or cultures.Remember how i said people psychologically like talking about their interests and themselves well im making a blog because of a post and not only that i catch myself talking about stuff i like sometimes without knowing it for too long because i notice they arent listening. I take note of people i can seriously talk to my problems about and them to me or if they can semi serious talka bout problems or if they cant at all.I was talking to one of my friends when they just cut me off from a very serious topic because they were excited about something so i didnt say anything i just talked about what they were excited about and kept note.I did point it out after her talking for an hour about herself.Sometimes there are reasons people cant focus like adhd. I dont get mad at all i just note things in my mind I hardly ever get mad at friends.A manipulator knowing your a people pleaser will either knowingly or subconsiously guilt trip you knowing you will cave in.Ever wonder why Toxic relationships go i circles.The abuser or manipulator has them in their gasp and even if all their friends tel them its a bad relationship they think they will change or fear being alone or many other reasons.Also people diagnosed as a sociopath or psychopath feel apathy mostly. Some people are born and just are a psychopath where on the other hand a sociopath can develop from trauma.Im guessing the reasoning for that is they have so much pain they just become numb and apathetic or maybe they dont have trust in anyone because everyone they ever knew treated them like dirt who knows. people who have antisocial personality disorder have little or no emotion thats why many break laws or have no morals. Ted bundy for example he killed people and did horrible things to them he doesnt have emotion and probably gets a rush from doing stuff hes getting away with. Psychopaths alot of the time try to get in positions of power like a CEO or a judge or cop because they arent afraid to hurt people.Like if your the CEO of a huge multi-billion dollar company yet your workers are paid minimum wage a psychopath wouldnt care about them at all and like the wealth and status. Since people with antisocial personality disorder have little to know emotion they are very obvservant of everyone around them they often notice growing up they dont feel like the average person like if a person with ASPD was growing up and the family dog died everyone is crying yet you wonder why they are doing that because you dont feel that at all.The way they can look normal in society is because they observe every reaction and emotion to things.They could end up being the best man at a guys wedding who they dont care one bit about but to the guy getting married his best man is his best friend int he whole world. Since they dont feel emotions like i said they observe and mimic and pretend to have a reaction to something because they know exactly how they avergae perso would react in that scenario.They sometimes make friendships for no reason just tot alk to someone i dont know but because they have no emotion or morals they have a tendency to manipulate.They cant help it though they were either born or made that way but that doesnt excuse bad behavior. They often wouldnt tell a friend if they are a sociopath because a majority of people who know what a sociopath is would question everythingboth of them have ever done.Was this all a lie?He dosnt even care about me. People would think things like that.I have schizophrenia and was on like 8 mg of risperdal awhile back and a best friend of mine at the time online and who is in many previous blog posts on here asked me if i would care if he died.I dont know if it was the meds or what but i was more apathetic to a degree where some things would effect me some not i assume it was because being sedated on an antipsychotic on a monster dose that amkes your min blank 24/7 could be a factor.I told him no I wouldnt care if he died.he has MS and very bad depression and used drugs to cope alot like drinking with pills or drinking in general hes an alcoholic.When i told him that i remember seeing him crying and blacking himself out not caring if he died yet i felt nothing it didnt click. Around that time i questioned many things of myself like how i would laugh at serious situations or at wrong times or thinking im all alone because i dont know if i care about people.I questioned if everything i was doing was a lie or not.I always was nice and helped my friends even before myself when i had my own struggles id still help friends but i questioned even that.Am i doing this just for social interaction why am i nice and helping people if i dont care about them?I pondered alot on that but i went to alot of group therapy where my heart stated showing itself more i wrote a letter to my online best friend when i got done with group therapy that when he read out loud in a skype call to our mutual friends he cried out of happiness or maybe feeling loved because he has had hard times and not alot of people show much compassion. I wrote that letter with my heart and realized i do care about my friends and people and ive come to terms with my self.When i saw him last summer in real life on the trip to colorado i did i cried and told him how sorry i was that i said that and how it affedcted him.I also know i do care even if i dont think so at times because my psychiatrist was murdered last year or 2 ago and at first i didnt feel sad as much but maybe like an empty feeling. They had a griefing thing for patients and friends of his at his workplace and i told my mom i have to go to it.If i didnt care why would i make myself go to something i didnt even need to.I sat down and people started sitting the seats were lined up in a circle im even a little teary eyed right now thinking about it.I remember i was blankly staring at the ground reminiscing how much compassion and good of a person he was the fact that he spent his whole lunch talking to me about psychiatry giving me books and magic tricks to take home.He did a magic trick for me every single time before id leave and i started seeing him since i was like 13. and im 22 now.I was just staring into the ground thinking of how much he really did care about helping epople even made me want to be a psychiatrist at some point i even wrote a letter to him on how much i appreciated him while in group therapy a couple months before he died and while i was sitting there i just started uncontrollably crying and they said if i would like to go first i can so i sat there and talked about all the great things hes done for me and how much stuff he didnt that he didnt have to do at all. That is a reminder to me that i do have feelings and care even though i doubt myself at times to this day.I even prayed for him when i never pray at all was even thinking of getting a tattoo of a magic trick in his memory.I still doubt sometimes because i have apathetic reactions to things sometimes and others not.So it also made me realize i love all my friends and i wasnt just talking to them because i wanted interaction i actually like what people are into or when people talk about things they enjoy. Thats a factor to why i dont have friends come over to my house practically ever unless i need to grab something because i dont want them to be bored because i know people tend to have stuff they like to do so i go to my friends houses ad some of them think im bored when i can do anything and be fine with it whether its talking or even watching them play a game.I actually enjoy watching gameplay more then playing because of my spatula habit but thats a whole other thing.I like playing league more then watching though. I have always gotten emotional for anime even at times of me having dimmed emotions. I still wonder why i would et emotional and cry for an anime then a real life scenario. I have vulnerable things about me and i also say sory out of habit because of past experiences. It weird because my dad is one of the most angry people ive ever known and thers alot of history to that yet im not afraid of any sort of confrontation from him on the other hand i fear confrontation from friends whether online or real life.SO i get stepped on sometimes because of that because i dont always stand u for myself.I have learned overtime and therapy to think logically and with reason and know certain psychological reactions so i can stay calm and or de escalate if i have to.I dont get mad very often and i know how to bring up problems in a manner in which there is a compromise.Instead of the normal yelling my parents do and how i see my brother adopting that behavior i will not be like that in my life nor treat my own kids like that if i had kids in the future.I still have alot of things to work on but im proud of myself for how much ive learned to cope, to control my feelings, to open my heart, and even if i still have stuff to work on thats ok lifes one step at a time.
To end on a positive vibe heres an upbeat song:
Daily life with Schizophrenia 