Lost souls trying to find peace

This picture represents how not just me but many close friends and family are struggling in their own ways and one is no more severe then the other.Other s cope very differently were lost souls looking a for that peace that normality.You know when i think back on my past it has been dark and rough but what i’ve come to realize is i know how to cope and most people dont have anyone to help them so i try to help so they arent alone i know that feeling.Mental health isnt a joke.My one friend doesnt feel welcome in his own home and cant leave no way out so he internalizes his pains and numbs them.He cares so much about his family and animals yet has been hurt and betrayed and pushed away from so many people he thinks him self useless when in my eyes i know hes one of the hardest workers and providers for his family.He is actually a very genuine person he always peoples emotions in mind he tries to be there for others but has lost trust in people because of constant pain so now he pushes them away.I sent him a long paragaph telling him how he isnt useless and he is very genuine before i said this he didnt want a reply but i said it anyway then he said he wasnt going to read it .I told him that was fine i wrote it for me and for you you never have to read it if you dont want to.I can see the good in him he cant see and one day i hope that light shines upon him.It is also weird what some find hard is nothing to others.Like if i talk about my past people compare and think their depression isnt serious and its less important.Thats not how it is everyone has struggles and if they hurt or effect you your feelings are as a valid as anyone elses .Some stuff that has happened to me some think is scary when i have had 1000x worst stuff happen.I can cope because of therapy but alot of people cant get the help they need so thats why i try to help my friends not to make them feel better but to help them see that spark in them you can see when you have that cloud of depression in your head.SOme cope with drugs everyone copes differently and thinks different.My other friend quit his job from stress and is foced to make hard decisions quickly and he just wants to enjoy his life right now and also doesnt feel welcome in his ow house.Except its not that he feels outcasted and useless its fear fear of being yelled at by someone he tries so hard to love.He knows he has anger problems and you do stuff you regret when angry.I even ordered uber eats to my house and gave it to him over his fence so he didt have to go to the kitchen because he was afraid.Then another friend who feels like she doesnt deserve love because people always hut her.Everyone i talk to has some depression and the lockdowns add to it makes them feel useless lazy and bad about themselves when its not their fault multiple factors contribute so i try to help them realize you have alot going on just one step at a time.I read on alot of mental illness including my own so I can have even a little idea of what kind of stuff it does.Alot of people have talent and great things about them.I got two new medications one is conserta which is like ritalin for adhd but instant and extended release but i ran out 5 days ago because my psych forgot to refill.It really helps didnt know that that was a problem like i said u dont know whats not normal until you talk about stuff and get told.I this whole time was having what i thought were hallucinations after since the ER visit but only reported the intense ones which only one happened after that what happened was i heard my dad and brother outside my door and they were on vacation supposed to be in another state and had been gone for 3 weeks i go back to sleep and heard again them again and my dad said lets check on mom so i thought they were in my moms room turn on the light no one was there and i called my mom but was on a xanax and calm and my moms face was swirling and ahd stuff around her head and i just looked away and said im gonna sleep.So what im about to say has been happening since the blog post i posted about going to the ER but i cant explain why it wasnt a rd flag or concerning even though to a normal person it would be scary.I narrowed down these things happening in dark settings and when im trying to sleep.Things like this would happen i see my the sillohuette of my chair and other things and the pitch black and they would morph into shadow people so id just close my eyes and sleep.Then id see the black worms thread things still by my window.If i had my fan on high my room has carpet flooring and my fan on high sounded like someone slowly stepping on my carpet getting closer and closer and id get scared and even ask for my mom and turn on the light.Then id have two lights in my room a tiny red and a green light where my fire alarm was and if i looked at it it would form alot of paticles and swirl and id follow it with ym eyes moving n one direction then id un focus or focus and see the green dot same thing happened again looked at red dot same thing.The last thing i noticed is you know how you can repeat something in your head but someones elses voice.Well this was happening but not of my own will but these were in my head not outside like when i heard my dad.I would hear my moms and friends voices talking and saying random things like your an officer of the melsh captain.Mixed real words with jibberish.So it all just clicked somehow and called my psych and was told that they wee things called illusions which stemed form things that were real but my mind was overstimulated.Which makes sense because anti-psychotics block dopamine to stop hallucinations yet id be super sedated and have rapid voices in my head so i was put on a mood stablizer .I posted on facebook for some reason i am taking a new med see ev1 tomorrow then the next day was fine until i drank a big cup of coffee and got into a state of confusion without knowing it at first i thought my friend who lives in cst timezone and i live in pst i thougt he was est and thought 7 pm my time was 12 am his time ad then i realized im not making sense i read on all the interactions of my new meds before i took them i was fine the whole day but i was thinking if i dont know whats going on maybe i been out of it all day and i looked and i was fine so i was ina a game and to tab out you press alt tab and i type in chat /all which is to talk to enemy to tab out which means go out of game and see your browser again.SO this happened around 4 pm little did i know thats when i started drinking coffee and then i was drinking this whole time slowly and i called my mom and she didnt nkow what i was sayign so i was trying to have her call in a refill of m my conserta so i did it instead and i got to her voice mail and i talked for like 7 seconds i said i need a refill for conserta then it said to review message press 4 and 5 to send and i was confused because this has never happend it alked for like 7 seconds and cut me off i didnt press anything my phone was on ddesk on speaker.so it siad press 5 to send i presss it it repeats options i press 5 same thing so i press it 3 times and it it says sent .SO i was like ok ill call tomorrow.At this poibt i finsihed the coffee and was actually feeling weird i could understand simple setences or explain.So i never post pesonal information on facebook but i made a post without knowing why or what i was trying to do or meaning.I narrowed it to the coffee ad knew i was fine but i spent an hour on a post that should of made sense like i re read every sentence re typed re spelled and find out next day it all was whack.SO i had a bunch of messages and responded to them in the morning.I can cope fine and take care of myself but people got worried.I also knew i was doing things i knew i wouldnt or mistakes id never make.Then the night before my psych called i left my computer which made a dimmed light of blue in my whole room and looked at my wall and remember how i said my brain was overstimulated and seeing things.well i was tyring to sleep looke dat my wall hich was light blue and saw hundreds of transparent rice grain floater bug things everywhere but i knew it was in my eyes like bugs i my eyes they followed where i looked then if i focused on it all the bug things would condense and the walls would swirl.I made another facebook post explaing everything and my aunt comments i bet that was scary! i told her ive had thing 1000x times worse and even though thats never happened to me i knew i was safe so i said I went to the ER a month ago because my moms face was blue and demonic so she can understand what her version of scary vs mine is a tiny bit because people dont realize how bad mental illness is .ALso i told her ive had worse then that.The last thing i wanted to talk about is an old friend who was a crazy manipulaotr now when i hear his name i get a small ptsd.He was lustful and joined a rabbit room where you can all see the same things and this room had 30 people in it and he said watch this by the way this was years ago before i made my own decisions and just followedbut brought bad stuff up now so the host is an asian girl he gets her to kick everyone out.Out of all the guys trying to be all manly he somehow got her to kick them all but me and she was drinking alcohol so i assumd she was 21 which will come later.So i dont even like to call him a ex friend was having her get in lingerie and i was getting nauseous and they both asked me if im ok and i wasnt i dont rememebr if i really puked or not but im not a lustful person i do like asian girls but because they are cute not lustful so i was very uncomfortable so then she got naked and opened her coset and had a bunch of toys and was doing stuff and i was just zoning out un comfotable then at the end she sat on the floor naked with her arms around her legs cryign saying you guys are never going to see me ever again and i had to leave and tis ex friend says let me handle this and in my head i nkow she knows she got used by him and this cna cause future trauma and stick with her.SO while im freaking out he messages me shes 14 and i was not ok.She was drinking alcohol and stuff which mean sif shes 14 doing that then she might have issues second thats not right she is a minor and minors cant think like a grown person can and dont think mature ways.I cried in group therapy about this when i talked about it and my therapist but i had forgotten for some time thne our mutual friends said he sent them a last message and then i started tlaking aobut why i dont liek him because there has ben way more then that thats just the worse.Then i started getting sad and muted and we just started a game.I muted my self and i was crying had to take a xanax and its happened 2 more times withing these past 3 weeks.Everytime i hear his name i see an image of her crying with her arms around her legs knowing she was just used and thats not ok with me.so i told other people please dont talk about him aroud me.Thats all for today i will post a song froma new album of joji.

This video with the song is like a disconnect you dont know what this thing is in the video but you can see a pulsing vein in the transparent parts so you know its alive i like jojis unique styles

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