This picture represents many things.Sterotypes,judging,false emotions,struggles,having no one to talk too,different representations of the same thing,There is too much right now that i can say this represents.Everyone has insecurities ,that means also manipulators can take control depending or ruin future ones. The other day in october on my friends birthday i told her right as she woke up some bad news and thought i ruined her whole day but i planned to make it better with flowers but i still had a plan but what i didnt realize is that all her friends could possibly get the wrong idea.Why?because i spent around 450$ for a birthday but i do that to some because my parents let me and i have some of my own money but they dont know that usually for a birthday you just gift 1 gift or something idk.Now i had two friends who were best friends and tried to get him back because my other friend was left in the dark of course she wants to know why her best friend wasnt there for her when she needed him she was in a bad wreck.This also made me think of i left one of my bestfriends in the dark and he got into bad stuff because he didnt know what was wrong such as hanging out with bad people and doing drugs my real life best friend one day we were talking then never again.He had no idea so i didnt want this to be like that even though there was a detachment on his part.She still didnt understand she told me actually she sees mental illness getting bigger and think some are doing it for attention which yes some are with anything comes evil.If you never had a mental illness how can you be in their shoes?You cant imagine a color you havent seen.The reason its getting better is because it is stigmatized especially for men.So when people realize that it is an issue and they get attention people want to fake it but the reason it gets bigger is because those who have the courage to stand up others follow like the meetoo movement.It is impossible to understand each others perspectives and both bottled emotions and handled stuff wrong .How would they know how to do it right?Who taught them when they have been mistreated their whole life.There are reasons why everyone does something when someone does something to make the other happy but they choose their happiness over theirs both are valid talk it out you’re friends.Now most people all have bad support systems including me so when my friend genuinely how i am i cried for 1 hour.I dont know how much time has passed that i was asked seriously its always when i asked them first or its obvious my mood is down.I can tell and even if they do want to hep they cant infact they can make it worse not for me ,but to their friends in general.Like one day my friend was asking her friend how shes doing she responded i can tell she was hesitant and she kept prying and that could cause a breakdown.I texted her to stop even though i was muted crying myself because little peep’s birthday was nov 1st and his death is the 15th watched the documentary and all the tribute vids and i put my self in his shoes and it upset me his friends took part in his death yes he chose the drugs but everyone feeding him drugs the drug he died on?Xanax i have xanax he had anxiety go on his website and read the messages between him and his mom or watch the netflix doc.He just wanted to stop his anxiety and it was laced and he died and they video taped him dead and not once checked for 4 hours i have checked for less.then at the end of it his mom crying at the open casket.i was not good for a couple days when i drove into a parking lot at night and earlier that day saw a package and the address was church st and after 2 hours i remember reading my blog on my psych and how i prayed for him and hope he can see he was cared for then thought about it at the end of gus’s documentary his grandpa said his favorite quote is remember me beyond the blue.Then i thought about it if i think my psych is watching me then maybe gus can see those who actually care about him and he would be happy and see his actual impact and those who really cared then i got clarity.Also when everyone is used to a bad support system when they get a good one its like somethings up ,like if a girls seems controlling not letting u have friends that are girls what if she said every past boyfriend cheated also a genuine person wouldnt need to say anything their actions show.Now thats why i like psychology to help and learn more.Thats also a thing like how someone without mental illness know what its like, how would a person know why they reacted the way they did unless they knew psychology?For example my friend telling me how he gets anxiety all the time but he just does it.He doesnt take my past into account or factor it i tell him its not the same.then he has so much stress he is crying in my driveway im in the passenger seat hes having stress induced not regular anxiety.We talked and i reminded him see what i mean about controlling it you cant and he said thats not whats going on right now.SO he disregarded my words.I have self control and can control emotions but i know everyone also has struggles but i never get help and thats ok its better to learn to help yourself you cant rely on others.My friend at work makes cookies for her coworkers they dont care and make her doing everything and she says something they take it as a joke.I told her when i said she was genuine its rare and you get walked on or mixed signals because people arent used to it.She had a panic attack the moment i came home after that clarity and she texted me im happy for you so i call and shes crying.so i helped but she but all the blame on herself she said she hit her boyfriend and she lied so she seemed like the victim I knew she was irrational.There was some truth in that irrationality.I know she would never hit anyone but i also know living in a house or being in a toxic relationship you inherit the habits.I know this from learning also my parents are living examples my brother is getting anger issues and my mom when i try to help uses toxic traits that she got from my dad.I knew it wasnt her fault.I can analyze very well and think of past factors and think future scenarios.Now thats where psychology is dangerous if someone knows you know how to make bonds closer or bigger impacts or how to do stuff that they dont know they are reacting as a result of you.They may question your motives especially if you seem genuine and are a good support system when all they ever have know is bad.There is dark psychology that can seem the same as me but do it for benefit.Also i dont actively think how to have a bigger impact.It becomes natural and having insight and knowledge if a person says to their close friend I feel no one cares about me and someone says i do.They may say i know but still doubt.Me knowing that i know depression clouds your mind so i say all of the things they have done for me and i have for them so maybe they can actually see the light like how i was also in the dark abyss before.People have good or bad meanings to the same words based on how they hear or see it used it like mental illness.You hear psychopath think serial killer,schizophrenic insane,bi polar anger issues and more.Lil peep got judged and his friends parents made them stop hanging out because he wanted tattoos ad he cried to his mom.You see some tatted rapper who does drugs you think of them as the stereotype you believe in.You ever think he used drugs to cope ,do you know the effort he did to make it where he was did you talk to him? he named one of his albums Hellboy because if you see Hellboy he is judged like the cover of a book but really has a golden heart so lil peep aka gus related to that. hes a person has emotions too, all the people around him were fake and he knew only a couple were real.He even made a scene coming out of a casket and shooting people at his funeral representing how people only say they love you after you die which is true they didnt care .Parents dont take mental health serious then tier kid kills themselves and they wonder why when they tried to get help the whole time until is was to the point they would rather go into the unkown then be here .You know alot of people are afraid to die or kill themselves not because of pain but the fear of the unknown so think of that if they did it think how badly it hurt and just because you think its stupid they did it for this reason your not the same person .something mind breaking to you that could make you kill yourself they wouldnt so dont judge but people always say how its ok its not that big we say that because talking about problems is stigmatized or they know their friends wont help if it affects you. your feelings are just as valid as someone no matter the severity.My friend who has bad depression questioned if he was a sociopath because he had little emotions made me reflect on myself i thought the same thing but in depression you can numb your emotions ,but when i thought on myself with the toxic online friend i cut off who was one of my online best friends ,he knew i was apathetic and i was yet i still helped many friends. was i faking? i reflected also on how the letter i wrote him made him cry and he re read it to his friends and cried and before that he knew i was apathetic was it my sedation from my meds? , was i in the dark too far? , was it my illness?, but i just thought of myself as a monster i remember he asked me when it was just me and him at 2 am he asked would you care if i died a all and i dead set remember in a monotone voice remember saying no not one bit.I knew he was already suicidal and drank and took drugs and thought he was a fuck up but i felt nothing I remember how hurt he looked he was and felt he was crying and at this moment i was not stable and i watched him take alot of different pills and drink hard liquor and me knowing he did it because of me had 0 effect also why i viewed myself as a monster was i sad i felt that way nope.I remember i knew he could die and after he blacked out i just left and continued on but when my friend questioned if he was a sociopath yet i still can see light in him and hes doing good.If he questions if he’s a sociopath and has some emotion and i felt that way but had 0 about someone who literally could of died and i didnt care at all, who was i? also why when was it started getting better and really caring for my friends and he start being toxic what changed?he used my letter against me he treated me different i was better happy yet he was a different person using me only to have someone to talk to what changed?I know its not me alone at least was i so much in the dark i couldnt see his true nature ,because i thought of myself as the monster when in reality i saw his nature? he looked like the monster now.He would be the most charming person in group calls when me and him was different it was a this point i still didnt stand up for myself and he stepped on me non stop treating me horribly id tell our friends and they would get mad and he would say im lying he would joke about my schizophrenia saying stuff about my illness stereotypes thats not funny i wasnt offended but thinking on it he talked about nothing but his trauma and stuff was so bad every single call, telling me i got xanax to abuse it and another med for nicotine its like how my friends i mentioned earlier about the bday. i didnt know what to do i stayed why? then he would talk badly about ymy real life friends and people he didnt know i still stayed? called his grandma a bitch yet says he has a golden heart.It got to a point i knew he would call everynight because he works nightshift and has no real life friends.Every call i felt anxiety and despair i knew he was using me but i stayed why? we would sit for hours of silence and he would not answer anything i said then blame me for making the silence and i finally had enough and stood up for my self and never felt more free.The problem with being too genuine is you get stepped on most people care about themselves or even if they care about you they may have struggles too. If you get talked down in multiple friend groups its not a coincidence whether its joking or not you can see it.so i read and learn more everyday to help.Yet my motives still get questioned i re watched the joker movie bad idea with a clear mind i saw more things then i did the first time.The next day or two my dad is smiling telling me he hit my mom and i had a straight face and was irritated i was upset but not actually the emotion then my grandma and me had a 3 hour convo. remember how i said i know hes using me my friend yet i stayed my grandma said the same i found out my uncle is a bad bad person maybe even a sociopath more the narcissist.I dont talk about my past ot for me i can be open. i dont because people view theirs as less or they pity me or think im lying when i say im fine ,because thats what most do.or i dont want to add more stress or they will view me different .The reason i titled this weight you will see for the song i post at the end. now you see the caption what is reality? and how i said theres too much it represents.Well think about it every mind is different everyone knows more or less they leave out stuff ,do they care about you? or like how you treat them?.Ive grown i can see way more now and as a person im proud of my progress ,still not all the way probably will never be 100% better but hey no one is 100% perfect either ,but that leaves a question what is perfect? depends on who you ask.I looked more on sociopaths .psychopaths , and narcissists found out alot of things from multiple people i know and especially the sub types of narcissism caused by trauma factors and everything.Knowledge leads to better insight also why i love psychology i can see tatics and insecurities and stuff but it also makes you sad because knowing how someone is you can see how bad they can be caught ,stepped on problems ,and controlled easier.I try to help out with insecurities and if they cant even talk to their own friends about their feelings including all the people i know. think about future stuff learn self care.back to the first example why wasnt he there for me when i almost died but he also felt a similar way but neither will understand after seeing even new people and what they struggle with that even their friends dont know about and still dont if we dont know anything what is reality?

also when multiple things that are real coincidences and theres no way to others this could happen they question everything so again what is reality?

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