This post is purely from a 6 hour call i had yesterday. This picture represents spirituality and I usually say what a picture means but ill get to that down the line for this post.I went to check on my friend yesterday also why i made this post and as im writing my stomach is in knots and im having anxiety not intrusive thoughts but ill say why.Theres alot to write about that ties in first when we talked we were talking and it just led into a 6 hour call without me realizing like time was not a thing you know a different feeling then when you are at a friends house and you want to go home after 2 hours or if you talk for awhile you dont want to be rude and say an excuse this was like time snapped.I thought about it our other friend knew i was talking but i was getting messages alot but was trying not to get distracted but i saw every so often your still talking? or dang thats long and to me it felt not even like 30 minutes and right now it sparked something in me like im crying almost ill talk about that down the road. well our other friend i tried to think about it from her perspective after i saw it was 6 hours. I didnt let it get to me nor am i saying im right didnt even ask or anything just my own mind.we talked for a long time and he was asking me stuff and we were both talking and we are two completely different people yet share very similar situations or things.The sociopath post i think the one before this was from our conversation but this isnt about that.I did mention to him some of the stuff i wrote because of him.When we talked this time we had multiple same ideation and thoughts on different but similar subjects some dark some anxiety.Right now both my friends were as close as can be and theres a rift at the moment I know the both care about each other but it is impossible to know each others thoughts.It made me have a flashback on my situation my best friend from 3rd grade in highschool my anxiety was very high i also just isolate and if a friend doesnt message then i still dont do stuff yet the other day i cried while responding to a text with attitude about me actually being a bad friend.It started off with me finally thinking and also this is off topic before the 3rd grade friend this is my best friend from 6th grade and both are having a kid.I out of nowhere thought hey i havent even heard my friends voice as since i quit league which was 20 days ago and then everything started clicking hes messsaging me i feel im killing our friendship because i bother you i text why would you say that? little did i know there was a reason he texted again we gonna hang anytime soon and im thinking huh? also he had a new job at this point ties in.then he messaged i feel like we arent close anymore and i told him i love you man why wouldnt i be close.I thought about all this without him saying a word why he thought this way looking at it from his view.He had no job was crying stressed out id give him anxiety med and i texted him how long have i been like this!? he said this was before i had a job which is a very longtime.When he needed me most i was gone why? ,because im used to everyone putting in 100% of the effort so i dont think anything is wrong also this ties with 3rd grade best friend.I thought about it he said can you come at 9 pm? i was also in a bad mood around the peep time and asked if i could come over at 5 pm because i needed help too but he was also scared to leave his own room at this time.so i went to an empty parking lot and after 2 hours got like an unusual clarity and went from bummed mood for 4 days to instant happiness thanks to past stuff that if not for it wouldnt of happened.I get home remember how i said i was crying while texting well this person texted me i called and they wee in a panic attack i planned on making a blog post but glad i didnt as more happened.Back to the point and not off topic my friend told me he was upset that i didnt hang out i thought why?yet i was thinking of myself now yes everyone should worry for themselves but im not struggling like unstable but had some bad moments.Also while i was crying and thinking i hung out once and left very shortly and now that i think on it he said your leaving already and i said yeah i dont like coming this late and also asked why he thought we werent close and at the time i didnt notice but now i remember him saying its not a big deal in certain tone unlike him.Then i had a bad day whee my dad hit my mom and didnt want to talk and said i was having a very bad day and he said if you want to talk im here i said ok.4 hours later he said you dont have to if you dont want to which made me think he was being insecure because he waited 4 hours meaning its still on his mind.i put this all together and after the 6 hour call finally hung out with him and i told him and also for myself to try and learn to put effort in because he always did 100% effort i didnt think of it and when people are isolating and stressed i can see why he was thinking that way and i tolfd im sory over and over and over he said its ok and i said its not ok with me thats not me being a good friend i wasnt there when you needed me most whether or not it affects you alot or not it affects me because I have my own value and sense of self and even if it is actually ok with them its not with me i even texted his gf and old highschool friend and foud out she had a registry for their baby and got them two gifts of great use and he was so happy it happened two days ago and we hung out yesterday.Now going back to my friend yesterday in the 6 hour call and the rift he and her have i also reflected on my self how i was also in a similar situation.I had anxiety in high school and didnt hang out with my 3rd grade best friend for 2 years hes been a single child his whole life i just out of nowhere stopped talking for 2 years not from depression i just like i said dont message others now im going to work on it.I missed him and was afraid he lost all connections and attachents with me and he has two brother that werent even born before i stopped which added to it.I had a dream one of two where i remember crying and about how i missed him to his mom and its making me teary eyed alittle right now too i remember this dream to the t the before part doesnt matter its weird but i ran inside of his house and clung to his mom saying to his mom and im close with her also im so sorry i miss him can i talk to him where is he its giving me a flashback and his mom told me you might not be able to see him ever again he moved out of state and i fell to the ground crying like i have tears right now but bawling and i woke up with tears.I decided fuck it im going to message him and risk it if i dont take the risk there is a 0 % chance of it getting better.Now that i think on it that dream is like a representation of how i missed him.So i texted he said hes free this date and i remember i was shaking texting him and when i got to his house i didnt take an anxiety med just like how it could be for the friend i was in call with yesterday.I was so afraid he woulkd be mad or how it would be everything matters when in this exact moment like my friend said in the call before you cant run away face to face and the smallest gesture awkwardness anything could make not go to an anxiety attack but straight panic attack my stomac was turning and i saw him and thought i was such a bad friend and he straight up came out and hugged me and made me feel like it was in the old days like we just hung out yesterday it was like that two years didnt hurt him and it didnt because i even said i was a bad friend and he calmed me and i know him and he really wasnt mad and it let to me slowly coming back if i didnt do that i might regret it when it is too late but because i took that risk i was going to be the best man at his wedding we hung out i went to his parties and we had great times all which would never of happened.I didnt think about that while in the call but when i write my blogs with calming music i can think on stuff.I can write for hours if thats what it takes to write what i need to.SO the friend i talked to yesterday also the fact that everyone is different if he talked face to face and she acted like nothing happened it could still cause a panic attack because mental health hurts us more then we think.Now my friend said he felt like hes a burden or maybe also not a good friend but he is a genuine loving caring person.The difference of why i said i was bad friend with my 6th grade best friend and not with my 3rd grade is because my 3rd grade i did it to myself the other i wasnt there when he actually needed help even though i help people alot why did i not help my friend i hung out with everyday and see the waring signs.Like he needed me and i was fine i did help some but i put myself in this situation over him becaus eof my preference of times he wanted me to come at 9 pm because he was scared to leaved his room to the point he pees in bottles and i did once give him food over the fence.Thats the difference for me my friend in this 6 hour call is a loving caring person we both have had bad trauma or mental health stability but even if he cant see the light like i also couldnt when i viewed myself as a monster i still see the same caring nice guy i met in person years ago.mental health can change people but like i said the 6 hour call felt like 30 minutes and we were talking like normal i also remembered we talked about meditation which is leading to how he affected me alot in a good way and he doesnt even know yet.which is what this title is concerning i told him that our friend made me cry because no one genuinly asked me how i was as long as i remember unless i seemed down or asked first then they disregard meo even if i say today is rough many just want to get help for themselves im growing more and more and seeing things better and faster.I was talking about how he meditates and like one time how i sat still for an hour and cried seeing such a vivid thing with the music and naturally going with the music.then i talked about how i like cultures and how like religions have same concepts and how latin has been apart of our languages as we know it now and how do these two countries who are nowhere near each other have the same sounding word.I also told my friend why one friend compares me to joe rogan which i didnt understand at first but its because i like information and seeing why people think the way they do.I like psychology and but also its a bonus on how to help others as well also helps with future jobs.I like more then that though I really like joe rogan yes i laugh and post funny alex jones clips but alex has known stuff and some is false and he is seen as crazy but joe and him have been friends 20 years.I actually watch to hear the perspectives of all these people with their views and joe doesnt judge he actually talks about it so others can understand like how i dont judge but im not learning info to let others understand it might come up and i can use an example but i like to know why they think the way they do i like information not gossip but understanding or insight to stuff or others because you literaly cannot know someones thoughts.i talked to my friend about how joe talks about dmt and the journeys people do i the forest and see the same things and talk to entities and goups all see the same things but also why different ones like ones that made the aztecs sacrifice for gods with blood ,but many have same concepts.before i talk further.i want to mention two things i told ym friend in the long call i ahve weird things hapen at once that it would see like a lie in good but sometimes bad ways like very weird like the clarity or three sepereate things of something from all different non connected stuff same thing some may say signs but ive felt guidance before.The next i wanted to mention was i wanted to watch the kanye podcast and even though i try to look at perspectives i had an opinion about kanye him running for president and his insane sounding tweets so i went on just to expect crazy stuff.so with that mindset i listened to the first 20 minutes and it went 0-10 because i didnt understand this certain concept watched yesterday also and watched that last 2:30 hous and i switched from laughing and joking to going back to seeing how he thinks very quickly he wasnt crazy sounding and joe has him explain stuff so people dont get confused he guides them or plays devils advocate which leads to long conversations like a 3-4 podcast or me talking yesterday for 6 hours and my gma for 3 and someone else for 8.Kanye thinks very differently he doesnt think like the critized chritians i remember him saying”i prayed for god to releive my pain and he took my mom ” i was like oh then he said” it made it so that its hard to every hurt me that much again” others might yell at god or be mad at god i asked for relief and you just hurt me more.but he took it as in he can never be hurt that bad again.He actually cares about people and explains alot of very good points i got to where there were 30 minutes left i had to take a break he thinks in such a different way trying to see his perspective i got exhausted.now lets to yesterday after saying that i said i believe in a god but im not religious he asked have you ever head of spirituality i said i have but havent looked into but it is a topic i would want to look into because joe has talked about it.He sent me a video that ill post instead of a song that id watch when i got back and i watched it right before i slept thinking on it but telling myself im tired ill look at it tomorrow again. Now when i say that i am never asked genuinly if im ok people fee bad because they kow they didnt its ok though dont be harsh on yourself focus on yourself and its hard to know how to talk to someone dont sweat on it the reason i mentioned this is little my friend know i rewatchd the video and looked up in general and it said there is no specific definition and its changed throughout time.so i i stopped right there and said if there is no answer it means it can mean to me what i want and believe not a religion like i expected to follow and has a solid definition its what i think of it as. I watchedthe last 30 minutes on kanye and in the egg video how all religions are right in their own ways but im not going to believe soley in a specific thing that contadicts and makes me have doubts yet i believe in something. watching that at 8 am today made me write this right after i thought on it and as i was talking and thinking to myself and the video and hearing kanye have the most unique perspective he went from 50 million in debt to 5 billion but you dont need money its just a construct kanye said “if you give a kid a teddy bear and god or creator has a giant one behind you you wont let go of the little one because you dont know theres a bigger thing for you. how we fear the unknown like how people fear death because they dont know or a dmt trip makes some be at peace with an after life or oppsite be afraid of what they saw when you talk to and see these entities the same ones that sparked some religions.Joe asked him if he becomes then corrected and said when you become and i saw he did that because kanye said he knows he supposed to guide and said he will be president so joe corrected as respect and took his thoughts into consideration.Joe said ” what about dealing with foreign countries”kanye said hes a civilian right now and hes honest he said when he was making music he had to change when he had a fmaily then gave himself to god but some listening would think because he says christian and relies on god other believers or athiests might just stop watching or since he thinks in a unique way stop because they are judging a book by its cover like peep they only wanted to watch to see how crazy kanye is and to people who dont try to see or usually watch joe yuour watching for the wrong reasons.So kanye said since hes a civilian he cant put himself there until it would happen which is true like how i say you cant change a habit in a day.he also paused closed his eyes and did like a prayer ,one thing though ad this made me reflect on my last post.Kanyes thinking while thinking about spirituality he kept saying hes the one to be president hes a visonary and wants to help thats when i realized thats not my same ideal which also led me to think about how i dont have to follow anyones idealogies I am my own person in that egg video whether or not you get reincarnated I follow my own way my own thinking Also reflect on this with good comes evil with everything some view spirituality as miracls which leads to following a god which also causes the opposite affect they are blindly following stuff.I am my own sense of self Im not perfect and there is never a perfect and on my last blog i said everyones idea of perfect depends well now that means nothing and i ahve a view for myself and there is no perfect only improving so when kanye says hes a visionary he will lead and even if he says hes christian he let it get in his head so much it could seem hes saying hes special like that message and then i realized i never try to say im better then anybody even if even they say they are better then me at a game and their not i dont like to say stuff like moneywise which made me realize im caring more then i thought yet i still have many faults more then i know i know how people have struggles with money but if i buy something expensive and they say damn you must of spent alot of your paycheck and i say i have no job i just cant or its hard to say my parents give me a luxury because they can that most dont.It doesnt feel good and its not about others feeling in this situation but my own ideals and concepts i dont like saying it thats me i define me who i am and im growing everyday im not the me a year ago in fact far from it there will always be tough days.When i first started typing i got teary eyed anxiety and took a xanax.My friend doesnt realize that even though i have looked into that topic alot it sparked something more important then mental health something inside i cant explain for that i cant express in words what that sparked in me thats why my stomach was turning writing this.This was intrusive in fact the opposite like finding myself this was anxiety in a goodway even though that term is usually bad this case it was good i did alot of reflecting him causing that spark today mean more then words can describe so thank you.This is on a different scale on mental health this was a war on the scale of a world war compared to the genuine asking or helping me i learned to help myself but i actually plan to some point today just lay down and talk to something say my words as if it could hea my thoughts about my faults not inter dialogue like a prayer but not praying just telling to whatever may be out there watching me or even if theres nothing at all just talk to the abyss where i cant know past like in the video the god guy says there is a place where there are people like him but you wouldnt understand the human mind can only coneive a fraction.So i always wonderd if what put me or created us if i talk to it i dotn expect an answer but i do believe ill be heard and ive also had thought if a god can do this or a unknown concepy alex jones said himself even though hes a christian does god know where god came from if someone made god the person who made god was he made you know whats funny and actually i just thought about this my friend from colorado said in 10 words or less like 2-3 days ok explain what the meaning of life is to you you know what i said in exactly in 9 words “Love yourself then find the missing puzzle piece needed” i just thought of it ill tell you what i meant at first then and what i think now i said love yourself then find the missing piece needed as in once you love yourself and get better find the love you need as i view love as an important concept now re reading that when i called myself a monster thats not loving myself even if i didnt care but then i remembered after i got better i wrote a letter and he cried eading it to our friends then when i met him in real life i was outside when i remembered that i literally didnt care he died i realized now i was slowly learning to love myself did i put my self darker i dont know never will but when i remember thinking of that moment i cried teling him im so sorry and im getting teary eyed and he said its ok but wasnt at the point where i would say its not ok like i did the other day but then as i learned to love myself i saw him slowly getting darker him losing himself him not loving himself this is all coming to me right now then it got to a point where it was affectiing me and i cut him off and now im improving and trying to help and not overdo it .so what do i view the meaning of life from the same sentence”Love yourself then find the missing puzzle piece needed” i do love myself but the missing puzzle piece isnt love thats a small fraction of a concept the missing piece is love your self then find yourself and become that piece to be complete.See how i remembered that message that i just thought about and view it different? when you do a puzzle its takes time i just remembered another thing when i said love yourself then puzzle pice needed well i saw a picture that showed a puzzle human body figure with a missing piece let me see if i can find it
this is the picture exactly but without that meme text
replace my sentence “Love yourself then find the missing puzzle piece” to :Loveyourself then find the missing puzzle pieces”
like i said love is a small fraction and i thought of this picture but if you have one puzzle piece you would know the where the last one goes aka being perfect loving yourself isnt even a fraction of the puzzle just like loce isnt the puzzle that we view as protection is impossible to an extent we cant conceive just like we dont know much about alot of stuff, or how in the 90’s technology advanced to this level.My friend did spark something in me that i havent thought about is why i was conflicted and anxious as it was putting some of those pieces together not only loving my self but realizing more then my own mind did before.To be a doctor you need to like 12 years of schooling to know medicine and your specialty or law school too to know law when the average person doesnt realize they could of gotten millions fro sueing because they didnt know the laws or like my mom says that they will counter it but like my 3rd grade best friend if you dont take the risk you have a 0% chance of it becoming alive.Like how in my house im the one trying to get better while they are in their political fights fighting each other and am finding my own way my own path im going to post another picture since this is a different kind of blog post.
If you see this picture you can view this as many things each person has their own representations me also depending on my mindset the same picture can mean two things in this case theres the left path which like in my house if i had no help id take in their toxic traits but the right is red associated with evil or hard or dark long many things i am the one who is taking the hard path,I also take this now as in i dont need to conflict myself with things that cause hate and fall into the the evil every human has alittle of.Sometimes that evil is brought to a maximum where in my case i almost hurt my whole family when im just trying to be better but they dont care they say they try but i had that little side of me still that made me call the cops on myself.Now i have learned to control emotions and decide for myself find my own way and no one will stop me im taking the right path my own it may be longer but just because a path is easier and looks better and the lights closer doesnt mean its not actually the bad path you just see the red and assume its hard or evil or bad when in reality its what makes you strong. Religions all have similar concepts or origins and are ight in their own ways like buddhism finding enlightenment i take that as in finding myself yet i will not say i follow it.Think about it with good breeds hate think of all the bloodshed relgion has caused when it was what they think they needed even people who say they are christians dont dont follow their own book love everyone equally they still judge gay people and so much so they harm them when one of the ten commandments is to not kill you if jesus god was a all loving god if you think about it the gay person who had a bright future and you killed him because a story says he did that and it says gods the one true judge an all loving god would pobably send you to hell and just because someone is gay an all loving god i doubt would do that or then i would view him as evil.You love your god yet he causes natural disasters we have freewill but with that springs hate ,but thanks to my friend i have found an inner peace a spark like i said and i will sometime maybe when i sleep just talk to whatever there is. Think about it if yo watch the 7 minute video time is a concept in our universe when we die what is time then? were no longer in this universe the universe is so big yet we will never be able to explore it ever ,but what if it wasnt meant to be explored but to see the beauty of what we cant see here on earth its like people who have always seen a blue sky then one day see a green gas galaxy that its more beautiful then we can imagine because we have seen most on earth so if there was that then theres more and more on that we probably wont get to that point though maybe after we die is the only way we will know.If you watch the video and took it literally if you lived as every person on earth and dont remember all of till the end remember the guy he called”God” what if feeling how every person who was or lived you neded all that to understand the other people like him you know what if it takes that knowledge did the romans thing this would be the modern world no so when technonlogy first came out 30 years ago did we expect this we are advancing if we lived as every person and all the geniuses and learned how they created them or how one without mental illness cant understand mental illness or how hitler could of done what he done but you were all those people and if you watch the video he says if we stayed long enough you would remember but thats not what i do before every life.Think about it he also says if you are everyone then you came in contact with yourself but are only aware of your own life now after life is all gone know how we cant possibly know anyones emotions or what their thinking. If you take the video literally the human mind can only conceive a fraction like an ant can only see a small part of what we can and they will never see anything else now if we got to an endpoint and since your not human if your dead and you lived every life and he says your a fetus being born when you are a baby you dont question or know whats going on till you learn but like i said a human is on a fraction scale if you watch the video so in the video if you lived everylife and you were everyone and when he said if we stayed here you would stat remembering but theres no point after its done think about being born actually taking in every single human mind to a concept we cant imagine like seeing a color you have never seen and thats was needed to make you born not the same way as a human but to understand everything at once of every human but whats after that? im just saying if you think about it from the video people can believe in whatever they want but thats what i took from it.So once again I thank my friend.I will now post the video.Now i will explain what that picture represents to me now reality is twisted and flexible its what you make it of yourself no clear picture but your belief different for everyone spirituality.For me i know something is guiding or helping or listening or watching and when i say i know i dont mean it literal i mean it as in myself i know if you said a whole different thing and said i know i wouldnt think of it like that with spirituality religion gives that sort of feeling i know this saying yours is correct all others are false is what i take religion as just as atheist and agnostict are separate you may think you are athiest because you havent heard of agnostict like i never read on spiirituality.