*Warning:This post is not a regular its me reflecting on bad voices ,thoughts of hurting others, eerie images i will post, thoughts of the past, and songs regarding evil intent.* The picture for this post is eerie as is this is me and how i went from feeling evil within, a monster, yet still held onto religion at points. conflicted wicked from a young age confused or delusional at times.It’s like that post i made about the 3 sides which if you want to know its the one of a guy standing over a cliff withe one side of the ocean light blue a white divide and the other dark blu.Representing me and my normal self, the voices, then me also thinking alongside with them.It will get darker i posted a warning for a reason. I don’t remember much of early life other then some parts memorable who I was what i did only stuff that stick.I do though remember at somepoint i was in therapy still dont know if it was before or after an incident.I assume before , as i think i was in therapy as a result of anger issues little to know the future or that part i’snt all there I still see the same therapist today I did when i was in 8th grade? dont know stuff is a blur also with schizophrenia and that the only memory i have of that is answering a 200 question paper.Well I think my therapist said to me when i first went i wanted to get better if i remember I cant remember much of when i started other then i liked this white sand to mess around with. Well this incident that took place I remember it and looking back was not an anger incident.Let me tell you what happened also you will see why even getting anger migt be silly yet this was serious un known to me at the time as i saw no care or problem.I also other then this incident cant remember anger issues other then some people were afraid of me in elementary i know i used to bully people.The only thing i remember is that I knew i bullied but i also remember just some people being afraid but like physically like I have hurt them I know that part at least because i have a specific memory but i was in elementary school it couldnt be anything serious though am i right.Actually as im writing this i remember 2 incidents before this big one the second was middle school other was still elementary.Alls i know is someone was running away because they made me upset and i shove them to the ground in elementary.This middle school incident i was a nice person at the start of 6th grade as my friends who were some that made got me to bully and my friends moved and i changed as i thought even people were surprised i think that knew me well at least 2 friends were.This second incident in middle school and now i remember more and how i lost a bestfriend like i said as i write listening to the front page music stuff comes to me. So In middle school i think i was 7th grade he asked to play a game with your hands i wasnt interested but but others said just do it i said “whatever” and he did something and slapped me and ran off.Me looking calm but filled with rage walked as the teacher was directing us and i got behind him and i dont know what i did first but he ran and i kicked as hard as i could and he fell scraping and bleeding teacher heard and said what happened and i stared at him and he said i fell.I think later i told him try that again see wha happens.Now how I lost a bestfriend in 7th grade that i was close as can be he tried to just take a piece of pizza and i got pissed and i dont know if he was joking or serious but i didnt care i got him in a hold and i think i got him to give it back by squeezing his neck till he let me have it in a hold.The scond incident where after this we parted thinking back on it he was just messing with me yet if i think of it now from his end he probably was wondering why i was pissed.Alls i know is he took a gatorade from my backpack although i dont care about it i said give it back when he didnt listen i got serious and he was joking and i grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him against the wall or fence at the wall and said give it back.I probably said more but after that we both just literally never spoke and even though we had been best friends all the good times hanging out all the memories i not once attempted to talk to him just cut him off and didnt care.Then another thing that happened is like i said was trying to be nice but there was a guy that would try to talk down on me thinking he was above me because i was being nice and he thought he could try it. I remember you know I was ready to confront him and its weird i never thought i was violent but now i am remembering stuff even in highschool also. Well I happened to talk to a gang affiliate which i forgot about about beating the shit of of him also i remember because there were others that were affiliated wannabes or real i dont know but he was blue dont care about saying the name and he said he would go somewhere and i confronted him ready to beat his shit in and after he was on the ground that guy who was a grade up the gang affiliated guy was going to come in after so i went up to him and i remember i wasnt thinking just anger but as much damage not a fight i remember i started thnking this way alot at this point so when i went to him he said he would stop he didnt know about the other guy but he came over and also said something.If your wondering i even became friends with the gang affiliate i didnt seek him i just always walked the mile and i happened to talk to him and he told me about him being gang related which didnt know much about found out some others who were affilaited with 13 or the blue soreno whatever. Wel back to what i was saying if we fought and he was down like i said i didnt just want to stop there and i dont mean kick his face in i mean like hold his arm and and snapping at that age.Its funny not really but i actually forgot about all of this as i had alot of memorable moments with friends that made it see like none of this happened but it did and its funy how stuff comes to me. Well I was also not friends with but talked to alot of people around school and knew some others but this gang member that i met walking the mile some others i knew said why you hanging out with that scrapper which i guess is an insult but turns out these people who also looked like they could be affiliated were nortenoes 14 whatever like bloods in LA i dont know what anyone calls them selves in my town.Well I never hung out with them just friends. It was at this point i noticed probably around 8th grade some odd things like i hung out with my close friends but others i knew my behaviors were changing or something i dont know i just remember something about certain people i talked to like i said i doesnt mean im friends but noticed the way im talked to or something facial expressions dont know off.well it was around this time or like i said still dont know at all when this incident happened that was not like that also i lost some guys chain i thought was fake and threw it when it was an actual gold chain handed down wasnt told that though comes in play later.So i was at my house and i wanted to eat a hotpocket at home my mom told me to do homework first i said no im going to eat.she still tried to tell me what to do and at this point I think this is where i was already hearing voices that i can actually pinpoint i dont know.So my mom just kept saying stuff and also i actually rarely cussed till i was almost an adult around my parents but even awhile before i did around friends somewhere in highschool. Well i remember i went to my room and i had stashed normal kitchen knives in places dont even know why that parts blank but i had a foldable smith and wesson black knife and i was debating going out there and slitting my moms throat yes over that incident she was on the couch she wouldnt even of known looking back id be behind i wasnt planning on slitting the throat just saying thinking back i could of i had no plan yet something in me wanted to do it at this point i sat there i think i stabbed the tip with my finger and saw if it drew blood dont i did test sharpness before so might not of been here just knew it was more then the small kitchen knives sharpness. like it sliced my finger like butter but that even makes me think more though why did i test sharpness of knives or have stashed kitchen knives that i dont remember.Well while debating on what i was going to do. I got what i call a flip the switch mode or bloodlust rage has happened 3 times i can remember.I remember slicing my mattress and the neighbors across the street gave me stuffed animals i cuts their heads off and threw them on the floor i kicked a hole in the wall kicked in my closet doors and shoved them at my door and tested if they could open and then i got the light bulbs out of my lamps smashed it into shards and threw it on my carpet so they would step on glass thats all i remember next flash was seeing my dad looking at me seeing him cry for the first time. I also got my knives taken and i said i stashed some which my parents were probably concerned they didnt about that but i said it because I didnt care if they knew i stashed i was being honest.I dont remember much of some points. I remember watching my dad showing my mom how to use a shotgun and where it was i walked in because i think my dad was not going to be home and my mom gets scared if people arent home but i noted we had a shotgun and where it was.
It was around this time and getting a psych as this picture shows I realized there was darkness creeping in slowly allowing it to collude me as why i would refer to myself as a monster as time went on.I walked by that best friend i just stopped talking to out of nowhere and whats weird is i still have the ability to do that no matter who i care for even if i have cried because they hurt or how they feel i still can slice that thick bond but why would i now how this came to be probably a couple theories. Around this time I would recognize as i was seeing my psych about schizophrenia this is where I still cant understand I had a nice caring side yet emptiness not lonely well yes lonely not as in from friends but empty at times others not.Even if they were voices didnt stop my thinking with them sometimes as bad as it sounds i could see a dad holding a 5 year olds hand and in my head imagine his face if his kids head was just decapitated how he would be suffering I would have these images or thoughts alot and hurting people.
I was seeing myself as a monster at some point yet i still had myself me.I wasnt fully enveloped and at some points when getting these voices and agreeing or imaging stuff id say what the fuck is wrong with me to myself. So that part of me was my moral side me and who i am.I remember i was apathetic another reason why i feel its why i can cut off someone so easily if i wanted.To others that know i care for them the thought that i could care and just go with the wind you think would make someone feel as if you never cared.How can someone wo helped me so much and i was open to was it all fake?Thats what i’d think well thats something i dont understand either.I remember confiding in who would be known in my previous blogs as my online bestfriend. The moral side of me i told him i dont really feel anything for people and he knew i had schizophrenia.Like it was weird i questioned things many times I remember i’d help people i wasnt super close with and they would say im suicidal and id help them and i didnt even know how to help well way back but i remember this happened often and they would be like “You made me cry thank you!” id say no problem but at times would in my mind be like if your suicidal just kill yourself. I also remembering at some point my dad moved his shotgun location because i said i knew where it was.What followed is i searched my whole parents rooms just to find it again and said nothing.Not like i was keeping anything hidden from getting help just didt care to mention.Also why i searched the whole room for it i didnt even have a reason that i remember. I remember with voices if I was asked if i had suicidal thoughts i said no which is true in my mind though id rather end someone elses before my own why would i hurt myself what a stupid question.Also im just mentioning darker stuff this wasnt 100% of the time like i said i still was person and wondered alot about stuff and my thinking questioning if imfaking everything with friends.Ami? Thats why i would say in my previous blogs lost in the abyss in search of the light which was hope that id be the person i wanted myself to be normal or what was normal though? my online best friend at the time when we would private call would often mention stuff about how i dont really care about him as i said to him even if i had a moral side doesnt mean i was apathetic still i cant hide behind a mask that i unveiled well at this current moment i say my heart wasnt opened at that time. In highschool that guys chain i threw in middle school was still bugging me about his gold chain and wanted money for it at least and he persisted and i casually mentioned to this guy who was a redneck kind of guy i ahd class with i still talked to people i wasnt a shy person and hung out with many groups throughout 4 years of highschool.Well i was just saying hes annoying to my classmate and he said i know where he hangs out lets go after this class and i was like ok.I still dont care about fighting in fact i knew my moral side that if it happened i dont know what could happen and i wasnt a mean person nor liked to hut whether or not i hear that stuff or go with it thats not the real me thats darkness.As i was walking i didnt want to fight him i just thought he was annoying but this guy i talked to fights alot and thats how he solved also i had insecurities so i just said ok but just wanted him to stop because im not giving anything.We go to him and he turns him around and says “hey ben either drop the chain thing or settle it right now” I remember my thought process was changing he was a twig and everyone around him all looked at him i saw fear and i started getting into a mentality maybe i get a chance to snap someones arms as i was getting adrenaline.He got scared though and said he would stop and then i calmed down. Internally conflicted with my morals as i was a christian and actually had a strong belief and I would fight or ask in my mind why why god you say its a sin to murder why did you put this on me as if your trying to condemn me i actually got mad at god many times and i had doubts already to a degree but i have been in car rides and sat silent and yelling at god in my mind i dont need to close my eyes to speak if hes a god he can hear my thoughts or even know before i say anything in my mind.Many times this happened.I also am thinking to myself what if i fight someone and do finally get to hurt someone and i like it? I might not go back to myself its like how a serial killer kills and the thrill of the first time they chase it right now not at the time. There was a time i was trusted with real knives again which would periodically get taken and given dont remember why.My psych or therapist got me to do it.All this dark stuff im saying like i said is not all of me my illness doesnt define me and im actually proud of where i stand today this post is purely to the dark i actually was getting therapy and seeing a psych for help i wanted it 100% just keep in mind. I remember I had some delusional episodes one where i heard music somewhere not from any device i layed down my grandpa was sleeping on the blowup bed.I layed on my bed curled and heard a rattlesnake noise and looked at my figures and the shadows freaked me out i layed on my couch and kept seeing things or distortions so i covered my face like a kid afraid of the dark it was a shell to protect me and i could just hear a heartbeat like loud so i just walked back and fourth for an hour or two non stop and i think i woke up my parents and i was still walking around in circles they took me to the ER.I also had psychotic episodes not knowing that a rare med side affect was the cause. I would get this small tiny off feeling and i could recognize it and knew it would peak and it was horible my eyes hurt to light i couldnt stop looking up and i was so paranoid that i could through my curtains i thought someone was going to shoot me everytime and finally got non see through curtains.It also happened one time at my friends house who lived 2 minutes away i felt it and tried to handle it but i couldnt my friend was out of his room and i was not doing good so i didnt say anything i said i need to leave sorry im leaving and he thought he did something i ran to my car and drove home not good idea in a psychotic episode i got home ran in my room took alot of pills antipsychotics with xanax to black myself out and ill explain why.As soon as i got home I turned off all lights took antipsychotics and xanax more then usual to black myself out i called my mom said tell dad and i dont know where you are but dont enter my room.I was rolling in my bed my eyes looking up non stop thinking my friend was coming to kill me and the reason i blacked myself out was this was a worse feeling then a panic attack which already makes you feel like your dying this felt like torture that id rather die then feel it. I remember I heard booming and i know my friend blasts music and thought he came here finally to kill me then blacked out.This happened quite often.
As i felt more of a monster as time progressed at some point and all this stuff im saying time frames arent in order. Well one night my friend my online best friend asked me dead straight and hes an alcoholic and he was drunk but he was always on camera and asked me because we private called often he said would you care at all if i died. Now thinking about it when i said i felt little emotion or none I think he still might of had hope that i would feel something towards him we had laughing calls talks i couldnt possibly not care about him right?He asked me that “Would you care if i died” I said in a monotone nope and i emember watching him bawl his eyes out and i know right now he has no real friends his computer is his only safe place he has trauma and the one person he enjoyed talking to me and he felt a connection someone who considered me a best friend hearing that person seriously not care if you died it affected him and i watched him cry on camera take xanax and all the pills he could just sat and watched and saw him chug liquor and i knew there is a high chance of him dying i sat there not a word until i saw him slump and you know what i did waited till that moment then just ended call and wen on to something else he actually 100% had a high chance of dying.Then in my apathetic state of my mind i truly was identifying as a monster alone in the eternal dark abyss was i ashamed at the time no did i care no just knew it was me alone.Then me when I was like saying how could i not feel a thing am i a sociopath? just like a friend said recently to me ,but i also questioned everything i didnt know my self anymore whether i care about anyone am i faking everything.Who am I?I dont know.Just a monster and ill accept it.I switched between losing the thought of seeing light and then there were times i came back and told myself im not giving up.I remember I couldnt help laughing sometimes ,but i remember actually laughing at my grandma not the one here but my dads mom crying when here because she didnt have money like i was enjoying her suffering.And ah yes my dad the bst charming christian in the world the one whos put his hands around my neck ,hit my mom before , hurt me more because i couldnt help laughing whe he was punishing me so i called the cops and he says im schizophrenic so the cops dont believe me, That stuff wasnt even any reason that caused me to want to harm them either like i said voices would get to me if i became unstable.Also forgot to mention my friend would sometimes watch gore videos like real murder videos or torture dont know why i wouldnt watch like i said i was actually trying to get better and me seeing that could trigger something bad and i knew it.
There was two very weird incidents that happened to me that ill mention one is that out of nowhere never being suicidal my mind and freewill wanted to kill myself to see god. Never happened again then one night i talked like i had extreme mania like i didnt know what was going on more then mania i recently experienced.It was something i cant explain.Then came a time of slowly becoming unstable i told my therapist that i was stating to want to harm my parents i dont think anything happened to cause it other then voices like i said my dad has done alot of bad stuff and it didnt cause it so i warned but my therapist trusts me to tell her if its getting to a not good point.Well i started getting like angry straight up mad at my mom i noticed a change.It was the monster in me slowly crawling back to me and almost as if i embraced it but at the same time not. how could i stop it.?
falling into the void further from the light that i thought i was closer too.Progress rewinded past the progres.
The moral me outshined but voices, hate, anger. Images of them dead or slaughtered slowly creeping back in my head.I think i talked to my therapist and she suggested i should maybe check into a mental hospital and i do remember me and my grandma going to sanata cruz but it was night but some problem happened and i couldnt.Well I remember getting to a point even still sometimes my mom was yelling at me and makes me come over and over and my grandma was here and my mom cussed at me and i remember I got mad and said to her from far away “Shut the fuck up right now” My grandma was shocked i didnt care my mom talking back to me as i slowly was walking to her.dont even remember what i was saying but i knew it could of gone bad if i got near her my dad went in front of me as i almost was approaching her because i was walking slowly towards her.A big fight between the whole house happened still that did cause harmful thoughts this is when i was doing better also but my mom got arrested even though she called the cops because she had a warrant for 8 years for a dui.Then My dad wasnt home back to when i slowly was being more unstable i got in a fight with my mom and our garage is always unlocked so when we open the garage door we walk in.I got in a fight so i had a feeling she would lock me out so i took my house key which i never do went to hang out with a friend and was driving back and my thoughts of harming were slowly increasing so instead of going to his house i did a detour just to see if my mom actually locked the door that was the sole reason.I said im just gonna check to see all nice and saw that she in fact locked the garage door meaning if i didnt have the house key i couldnt go inside and no one was home i unlocked my mom was sleeping and i was being disrespectful to her i woke her up from afar if i got near her i knew better as i said im not trying to harm people but i said alot one i did say is “dont you ever fucking dare lock me out you understand do it again see whats happens bitch” thats not me and i went back to the car and i was very upset but not as much as when i was inside and i came to my senses and told my friend that its getting worse and i know im not like that.I have no memory of a response well the day of me getting put on a 51/50 cam which led to a 52/50 14 day hold. Started out my mom was drunk like she is everyday but for some reason early instead of at night and forced me to drive to paper places all around town when there was no paper that day and i already didnt want to do it but she said she would if i didnt and i didnt want her to get another dui because it would be bad so i wasnt mad at this point and she only wants the paper for the crossword puzzle only.She wanted me to check one last place thats across town and no paper was out not one there was not paper that day so i said im done because my neighborhood was right out of the last spot and she said fine ill go and drove drunk thats when i got mad i had a lock on the door at this time already finally and i heard my parents arguing and my brother screaming stop and crying usually i dont care its the normal here but since i was mad and not stable i left a voicemail to both my psych and therapist said I am at that point where i dont know if i will harm them or not but it was after hours.Before i mention that i also made me and my brother not close forgot to mention he used to follow my footsteps and id be upset and since i already as like how i am growing up i ruined our bond also was at the point not of harming him but thoughts of it i didnt like him wish i dint have a brother i said that to him and meant it even in the car with my dad i remember how mad my dad got.I remember In the backseat I have like orders i do things like ocd kind of and i mentiond how i like to sit on the right side of the suburban and he made it where we had to take turns every week for chuch and even though i was a christian and this is younger moments ill get to later in a second the fact i had to take turns on everything because the sole fact i liked sitting that i was forced to take turns to sit in a backsseat spot not only that but how i liked end row church seats i also had to take turns and not one time in church did i ever pay attention i hated it in fact once i was older i told him im not going anymore but when im young cant do anything about it i remember how much id hate knowing tomorrow was sunday every week .I remember though with my doubts i asked my dad to ask our pastor if he could come to my house and go on a walk while i talk to him i was going to talk to him about my doubts about god and see how he responded and if it was stupid im not dumb i would probalby say your right because if my dad knew i was doubting ive seen him yell at my brother for actually folowing something and my dad yelled at full anger saying are you queestioning his faith he is a reason that made me hate god also that i believed in.You have someone who follows you and thinks he such a good christian little does he know he is a horrible person a piece of shit well if what he believes is true i hope like he thinks he will be shown all the bad and harm hes done. Yet i know that wont happen you piece of shit as i say in my head to god.I always till recently held onto a thread of christianity until my friend showed me stuff about spirituality im free now.Back to the day that could of been bad.I had recently bought a military grade 100$ tanto knife unlike survival knives this was a blade that has a different affect if used fogot what kind the blade is cool too i didnt get knives for nothing i liked collecting i had a double bladed skull on both end knives and im still to get them back to this day.Well like i said i called my psych and therapist with a voice message i knew id be fine for the night or id take more action so i locked my door because i did not want any interaction as i was taking safety measures very unstable the worse yet and i actually was trying to get better.I texted a friend who got off work at 10 pm and said if he could meet out front as my best friend didnt have a car at the time he said ok and then shit hit the fan.I wrote a very hate filled blog a couple hours before shit hit the fan and thought worse then what i was saying i remember one thought i had was ” i want to watch you die and suffer as everyone else you love dies in front of you and then ill kill my self just to watch you burn in hell forever just so i can watch you suffer” I didnt have a plan at all nor was i actually going to do something or id call 911 on myself but i knew this is the limit where im not safe with myself and like i promised i would tell them when that happens unfortunately things didnt go well heres what happened.I locked my door like i said safety for them i didnt want any interaction was highly unstable my dad tries to open the knob says love you goodnight i say “Love you” in a non happy tone he notices and says open the door i just say i just want to be alone for now.1 minute later shakes the door and yells open the door all because i said i love you in a not happy tone what a good dad then i open and he throws papers at my face and says ” do this shit yourself” by the way were social security that they had to sign because my dad was trying to get free money from my illness not my idea.I snapped flip switch anger.This was most extreme one and by flip switch mode and i can remember 3 times its like bloodlust hatred evil anger thats not like my dads anger to where he might put his hands on you if he got to that point i snapped and stared blankly picked up my tanto knife and knew he wasnt asleep yet but the small morality in me said a tiny bit of guidance something i was in snapped mode like just staring not breathing hard just emptiness last string was cut
This was how i was staring seeing my family dead just frozen if you look in the reflection those are hanging bodies with blood running down then something one last drop of me the tiny amount of i wouldnt even say that i was blinded to completion but something somehow i called 911 and i was so snapped i told the police stuff word for word and said you better get over here as soon as possible and and i think i was so lost and bloodlusted that i wasnt screaming just said calmy because of how much hatred i felt i still wouldnt killmyself if i did but i dont think my family realizes that something some guidance got me to save myself mostly because then id become the incarnate of evil and posssibly lose my morals 100% and be happy till the day i die that they are gone which life would of been different from one incident so whatever guidance i was given i thank you i never even thought id get to this point and help others and the thought this all would not be the case if events were different and im a better person now and my heart is open and i feel alive instead of a trapped monster i the dark abyss but because of that I will help others friends or not.Not only because of inspiration from people who helped me but i realized how much mental health is serious and i nkow the real me was kind so to be free and where i am now is better then that hellish place i was in.Sorry didnt finish the story they told me to stay in my room i said no i am going to go outside its not good to stay inside and they said can you put your knife away or i was going to take it and hopefully my dad wasnt there luckily my door is next to garage and i opened and ran out and started screaming rage “get the fuck over here now” and at that point dont remember what else i said other then i lost it.Also it was like 8 pm or 9 so like 7 cops cars came and everyone got out their houses i got cuffed and they knocked on my door asked me if i had weapons or knew where any are i said i have knives and know where my dads shotgun is and he asked how do you know i said because i searched his room.I was honest and i was not calm then i was just sitting in cuffs and i looked at my house saw my mom crying and walking over the grass and the hatred went full force i started yelling at the police as soon as she walked towards me i stated pacing and yelling dont let her get one fucking step closer.she was crying at the edge of the grass and i got put in a cop car went to the local hospital where i was uncuffed watched going to the bathroom and layed in a bed for 2 days with a guard watching 24/7 before an ambulance drove me 3 and a half hours to a psych ward i got there at night went to sleep woke up not knowing where i was but i also didnt question it it could of been the afterlife for all i known or cared i didnt ask a question i got up walked down a hallway in patient scrubs and sat down adn watched tv not knowing what happened or where i was yet no urge to question a thing then i was talked to and they were a nice person and then when they said something whack everything snapped back where i was.After that I had to go to partial hospitalization program when i got discharged and got a 52/50 as soon as i arrived 14 hold but luckily the program basically means all day group therapy at the same place my psych who has given me so much inspiration and was murdered last year worked so i saw him weekly and he would not take lunch to talk with me he was a one of a kind what he does in his private life doesnt matter he was a caring person and i wont forget him.I after that randomly got a suicidal ideation phase lasted 2 weeks went back to the program i wasnt depressed i remember the first day i just wanted to die no reason nothing at all kept thinking about how my dad has razor blades or box cutters and my friend in real life who also went to a psych ward and in a psychotic episode idr why he had one almost killed himself the first night i remember i texted my friend and my mom was worried but ive never bee depressed but i sat from 11 to 1:3- am crying and seeing tear drops fall on my screen as i listened to lil peep and my friend texted to change to billie eilish because i like her music and peep is dead and sad music.then i asked my friend how does someone kill themselves with the razors asking like a question he says cutting like people normally do wont do the trick he was just telling me because he knows how to effectively do it and i had hard ideation as in i was just compelled without a reason i didnt feel hopeless or anything just something compelled weird never had that ever before or ever since but he told me how not gonna say it just because its just not good to say that kind of stuff people can look stuff up but no reason to say something like that as thats not a good plan or idea i want to put in anyones heads more then what ive wrote.well theres way more then that but im going to finish the blog ive wrote for over 4 hours non stop with some rap with lyrics it may fast where you cant understand with lyrics note this like i said is not going to be good songs in fact they are the opposite as this is a blog reflecting or reminding me and accepting what i was like at one point for my own spiritual journey and maybe to re read for clarity if i ever feel like i cant do something
Also one last thing as a reminder to myself of how i will help my friends and others but still remember who i am and my past is a thing i will embrace and its apart of me but its a reason why i want to help others more as well so this picture and some not good music this picture is probably the best and pure one the arent.So like the title says Bloodlust the Old , Cleanse the New
https://genius.com/Ramirez-mosh-pit-killa-baphomet-lyrics
https://genius.com/Ramirez-psycho-on-the-loose-lyrics
https://genius.com/Ramirez-cerberus-lyrics
https://genius.com/Ramirez-the-mystical-warlock-lyrics
Daily life with Schizophrenia 