Cleaning out my Closet

This picture represents the Sharingan you can see things a way others cant it is also a childhood show and all time favorite. The sharingan can read moves before they are thrown representing how I can understand things and have knowledge on things i dont know how and how my thinking has changed.Also a lot of stuff with me now being spiritual alot has happened regarding that but i write those things elsewhere.Now if you want naruto you see how there are 2 comma looking shapes on the red eye. Those are called tomoe when you first awaken you start with 1 tomoe that’s how i represent me becoming stable and wanting to help others for so many reasons and reasons unknown to me ,but one for sure is my psych and i know what suffering feels like and dont want others to feel pain and suffering and how cruel our world is nice people and friends getting broken down because people cut deeper and deeper in their insecurities to the point they are vulnerable exploited and the rest of their life will be affected.I see the saying your trauma doesnt give you an excuse for shitty behavior and i agree 100% ,but have we have tried to think why they do shitty behavior?Think of it for a second a girl whos family abandoned her talk down on her the ones she just wanted to be loved by her own family her safe haven of a house and they treat her like a stray dog.Then they have damaged mindset start dating guys wants one person to love her not just a friend but a companion to not be alone and then she was manipulated from the first boyfriend she may think”is there something wrong with me?” then think about ow even the people closest to her her family ditched her and she thinks the wouldnt care less if she died after a suicide attempt so there is something wrong with her in her mind.she keeps dating and they break up she calls them th asshole not knowing shes broken to a point maybe its too late or maybe not but to find a good person for you you have to have that behavior but when all you have known is betrayal ,breaking trust,worthless they dont realize they have now achieved abandonment and trust issues.and her behavior if she went on a date with him not broken could be married and she would be happy have kids love them the “American Dream” but because of something not her fault just as she is looking for a partner to grow with so is he and because shes broken only does one date.Then she cuts off friends over small things you guys are as close as can be you have known her for years get attached a close friend that talk about alot and relate cuts you off over something as small as talking to someone she doesnt like and decide to play with her once over this girl. She then cuts him off hating him like she was left to die again. you may say what a bad example think harder.She has been broken so bad its like shattered glass in her mind they are best friends and he chooses to play with a girl he doesnt know to well and barely came in the picture. She thinks”She is beautiful and im ugly he just wants one thing like all guys like my ex’s and he chose her over me?” causing anger and cut him off without a single bit of remorse she was betrayed by her own best friend she cant trust anyone they are all fake pretending to like her!?!? and she shuts down or might commit suicide but the damage spreaded because of her he cant believe how caring and happy see was yesterday a best friend like it always was he is crushed says hes fine but offline cries himself to sleep gets depressed he tries to contact to no avail one of the only people he can talk to about anythig in the world cut him off but he at least knows her trauma and can put it together or if he didnt people would feel as if they never card i the first place it was all a lie and get anger which could lead to them causing pain. The guy friend can usually pretend to be ok not this time their main friend group hes so clouded ,sad ,hurt he says what happened and all the others are on his side and are angry.She goes into the whole voice chat when the guy isnt around and yell at her kick her out now she was cut out. She tries to explain herself they blame her just as she wrongly blamed the nicest guy and most genuine of the group and see the pain in him its the first time they have seen him down.She gets irrational breaking down they all left her and believed him when she was in the wrong she has no one now no real friends either because she is seen as toxic or she isolates and has too much anxiety then kills herself.After everyone finds out they feel at fault but the nice friend knows her trauma and feels like he is the main cause he caused them to turn by accidentally venting. He then cant handle the burden hates the world hates everyone becomes pessimstic

then he treats everyone badly because he has no hope his light is but a spark a spark that is near being beyond saving, It is not an excuse still but they are shaped that way and they wont change unless actually treated well.I try my best to save others I dont judge I try to help them gain confidence and lessen that insecurity without lying either i tell the truth. Then awakened the second tomoe forgot to mention emotions that turn into hatred is what give you more strength of the sharingan so you dont want to lose yourself. This picture i randomly Can analyze, have good insight,note past present future, things from what people say , i also know how toword thing differently, know psychological reactions and why they work and in general without needing explaination or if i need to know because its impossible to know unless taught i can adapt well, not only that I can conceptual perpective take , have good empathetic accuracy, my mind thinks differently logically reasonably how to counter biased stuff how to help more people with this intuition.I can see the manipulations, insecurities ,notice small tone changes, am very observant. With this i am thankful for as i can help other better when i talk to people ive had 8 hour calls from family friends stangers i joined online support groups and did better then the facilitators and they asked me to join nami if you look it up I also help strangers unknown to my friends no need to tell i dont like labels or saying anything or bragging why would i mention helping people i dont know to frinds unless i wanted to make people like me more only wa id tel someone is if i was excited about geting in an online support local area suport group because i like helping others i feel like thats a purpose i my life ill talk about that later. so with this second tomoe look at the picture of tears im prety sure this is episode 365 of shippuden and you know whats weird this is the only specific episode i know by heart tis is when rin comited suicide and kakashi was cying but obito who was thought to be dead saw as well the teas represent the fact so many people have things that pain them, hurt them , break them the more tomoe you have the more u see and with this wisdom of the second tomoe the tears is i can help others better but see more pain or notice so many things.Not only that but im so nice to the point whee friend griups ask why im nice to them when they have multiple best friends just because i go out of my way to do whats right and help those close and afar.It saddens that my kindness they dont get anything like that from their friends is how it seems if they ask me why im kind to them like im treating them special. I am doing what a friend should do thats it but this also puts labels on me a friends mom called me a something friend that was very pristiegeos and i didnt want to answer just said im just being a friend and doing what a frind would do. she kept saying it and i get uncomfortable everytime so i said every friend is does god and bad things to each other such as fights one being selfish one hurting the other without knowing.breaking trust. I called a lawyer for my friend who got i accident recently because i had questons because she would have to pay the hospital bills drive i the ambulance in ER is alot she will have to pay more then the other insurance paying for the car and he admitted fault. I of course had to tell her for her to know.Another friend he had to go to the ER and has free healthcare and since im trying to go into the medical field i saw he had the rare healthcare you get only if disabled or over 65. He also had the other one part a and part b he needed part D to cover the meds tha cost 800$ and i know state laws are different so i called his states thing for that get qualifieed she said so i told him and he says i tried but they said fuck off which they wouldnt but no point in saying more so then a week later he says my moms friend will help also how i told my friend in the car accident who was worried she felt knots under the big bruises i told her they are normal and she talked to her mom and i hear screaming she said its hernia I said why do you think that its not u said its knots under them it will go away and she told me her mom had one so she knows.She also when driving to work again how she was scared and i as on a call with her on the way as i happened to be up and this made a rckless things and it makde her cry i told her shes gonna some temporary ptsd it just happened its caled acute stress disorder. but she was irrational so she thought it was permanent which it actually could of but in the medical profession you dont freak people out you comfort if your an EMT can you imagine how had it would be seeing a car accident and you know they will die in minutes but the are in schock so no pain ad ask the paramedic if they will be fine and you have to smile and lie so they pass peacefully then body bag them. I actually plan on being EMT for experience for an ICU Nurse.,but what im saying is bout the bruises since she was deadset it was a heria i said do you feel a buldge ? ,because a hernia is when your organs go past the muscle. so i said tell me how many inches are the knots.she said 4 or something i said thas really good you wont need surgery and it can prob heal on its own.The next days she says she feels her intestines.She then went to the doctor and texts me you were right i said about what the she said ptsd and the knots. I said thats good to hear then her tailbone hurt she thought it as broken it hurt when she sat I know medically it could be inflamation i told her take ibuprofen and if you feel relief it will go awa i asked if she took it the next couple days she didnt.. my friend was scaed to leave his room so i ordered uber eats to my house and handed to him over the fence.He still is toxic to this day he is a covert narcissist and i know he cares for me I have a friend who writes she thinks its bad and she sends me a short story I read it is was like 1 paragraph but i wrote an essay about it for the reason she said she thinks others will hate it and was told im overlooking things or overanalyzing hate when im told that when im not.I still do it though because i tel her why i like/interpret/relate to it why i like it in general and then say why some people may not like it in a real sense she is actually a very good writer when i told her who might dislike it could be people seeing a short story and be like huh? because it isnt long or they dont relate or how as a writer she nows some like differet genre’s ,but i also said many reason why people would like it wheher or not she respods or alll these examples i said for a reason I do it because i have my own values and morals without outside influence and what i believe to be right. If I feel i was a bad friend in a situation or i fucked or made them alone or een if i hut them because i did something and they were selfish or even though they say its fine and ok i said outloud its not ok for me it may be for u usually humans when someone says its fine the others guilt is swept away by being forgiven.These examples i said if u notice alot of them are about them not listening to me or caring ,but you know what id still do it again and i really have to thank my friend for that he with the spirituality it as done alot more then any1 knows. Those tears from the picture like i said the two from 1 tomoe u see more and in this scene Rin his squad member runs into his chidori and Obito sees as he arives just see his hand through her heat surrounded by enemies this was a setting ston.Remember i said strong emotion gave you strength well kakashi had strong sadness and pain. Obito strong anger and pain. thas when they both gained a strength few had as i consider with me and spiritual and ntuition.Obito lost his way kakashi made him want to change and protect and im on the path to kakashi but through his protection of people close he had many hutles pain sufferig but he did not suffice he would not quit and he believed in his friends.the mankyego sharingan is rare and thats what i mean how spirituality for me was like that strength but actually yes strength they say spirituality is is like awakening the third eye and i see it that way as well on a serious note not 70’s hippies.or those people who do LSD Psychedlics saying they awakened their third eye said they are a changed person they think are different and gonna change.

Well you see do you know anyone whos said that and changed yes some do most not at all. IF they say on LSD they know the meaning of life and sa all are one yes that is spiritual but the third eye is about freewill breaking from the chains not comparing and being envious of a friend getting ore likes or seeing others succeed and then mirror your emotions on me when the only difference is i havent had a job i could say worse to him that would hurt and he is a covert narcissist with low self esteem i just realized we have a mutual third overt narcissist friend meaning obvious but covert means not but i can see through him like him glass and i am the bigger person and i can control my emotions and dont get offended even when uses personal its on me i know what i can say to alot of people wouldnt just hit a nerve and its not stuff they told me private either its by my analzing ,observing, and me being able to counter anything they say to me. I can also make them irrational you cant think straight when irrational and im calm so i control the conversation i can de escalate the situation talk it out or make u hit me.I am not like that but i wil talk about a few things momentairly. I didnt finish kakashi story representing me he is protectng those he couldnt protect before and it eats at him how he could of saved obito then rin would of lived that fueled him.Just as the stuff i went through fuels me to help.The guilt also represents a conflict currently. Here is my lockscreen iphone Picture.

The one on the left is Hashirama the one on the right is Madara.Madara is actually one of my favorite characters because hes a anti-hero at first turned to end show villain.I know both their whole stories.They both created the leaf village Hashirama’s brother killed Madara’s brother before the creation as they were the strongest clans and rivals.Hasgirama wanted peace Madara said the world will never know peace humans wont cease to fight. Hashirama viewed different but they were two kids at the river because best friends when 10 yeas old not knowing each others clan and thats a representation from the show i just thought about they just were best friends no sybol bound them no logo no reason to hate each other they were happy meeting at the river often until told by The Senju Clan Hashirama’s that their leaders son was secretly meeting with an Uchiha member.and forced Hashirama to go to the river. Madara showed up and they skip rocks to each other across the river alot so they did both said run then both clans jumped out and same idea. On one hand Hashirama hated how brutal his father was and got his last brother of 7 killed by forcig him as a 10 year to fight ,and he wanted to stop it on the other hand Madara’s father fed his head of how they killed his brothers and he listened to outside influence and filled with hate Hashirama and Madara eventually became leaders and Madara’s hate still fueled him then Hashirama’s brother killed Madara’s last one and they left at the time he was wounded later bled out.Making him hate so much ,Their was a weakness is using the mankyegeko sharingan you become blind so he found out by taking his brothers eyes that would be a non factor. they fought again and he lost to hashirama and spared Madara and said he wants peace and Madara said I will accept if you kill your brother here and now. Instead Hashirama cared for Madara so much he put the knife and teas streamed and he told his brother to take care of the clan.and right as he went to kill himself out of selflesness Madara grabbed it and saw how much he still cared fo him.They made the leaf both Hashirama wanted peace through diplomacy and then the main villages formed.Madara disagreed and Hashirama even wanted Madara to be leader nothing but love. Madara still had hate as was destined of the Uchiha they were destined to seek power and hate. He looked for another way and the way he found was to put everyone in a Genjutsu aka hypnosis and show them their real life happiest goals and dreams they had for themselves.He was so consumed the end of the show he still fought for peace but in the process hurt and killed 10’s of thousands willing to decimate a village in 1 shot kill anyone in the process its ironic both were right in a way Peace can really never be achieved. even through nice diplomatic ways . each nation has different laws beliefs and conflict is inevitable but at the same time madaa like hitler wanted control but wanted peace but while doing anything to achieve it those who were the real protectors Madara killed the opposite of peace to follow a false dream trying to solve how human nature is evil so if he puts all of them under hypnosis trying to play god and take away freewill and make them dream the best life they wanted either way there is no such thing as peace( inside you or in real life.).I have a confliction is what all this led up to.My title cleanin out my closet is is an Eminem song. The music that got me into my favorite genre from 6-22(Current) I re listened and saw why my dad was mad my best friends 13 year old brother. The music about rape,drugging,killing,everything, but this song cleanin out my closet is about his real life and his mom sued and won 10 million. I liked all the chaotic brutal lyrics except when i heard rape I did get disgust feeling.Which leads me to think on how i like brutal comincs,anime, and movies. The more chaotic the better the more brutality ,but movies like michael myers or freddy krueger i dont like i dont instantly side with villains i watched it for story. I started thinking I started watching Dexter a show about a Serial Killer and its like breaking bad or sons of anarchy.I like the story but because he actually got a family by accident and because of she was killed i cried then i remember being at my grandpas funeral I might of cried but what is it to grieve i dont care of my grandpa but i should yet i cry on a show about a serial killer who got his wife killed or cry on anime but even my grandma from my dad’s side she has dementia crapping herself not doing good and i dont think of her at all either unless my dad is on the phone and says her name.Not only that ,ive caught myself having sadistic thoughts for 10 seconds one i can think of is me recently week ago dad gets in fight and im able to control my emotions 90% of the time i confronted my dad about the 52/50 no anger so bad feelings towards him told him in detail how i searched for his shotgun multiple times was gonna kill him and him first then brother then mom and i told him that i “thought” not wrote in a blog 1 hour before that i wanted to kill him and watch him suffer then kill myself and watch you burn in hell with me for eternity.He almost was crying but as he walked out said i wouldnt go to hell you would . Now I was irritated but controling emotions when im like that i rant for hours or 100 messages.Then i remember him using my illness to discredit when i was young that im young and have a severe mental illness . So then I remembered him putting his hands around my throat then how he said id go to hell and for the first time that i recognized my calm Anger I planned to used my natural helping talking for malice intent I never think of tings to do as much damage and collateral damage without care because the actions of him to teach him a lesson of respect the wrong way. I was going to make my dad rage and i know i can be calm stand by my door which my brothere is to the left im the right im 2 fee away i was then going to say and btw my brother snitched and sent a picture and i was told not to tell him about it so i forgot to mention what i did is right after my dad yelled at my room my brother head i txted him love. to let him know i knew.I actually was not mad at him.I didnt care though I was going to say loudly calm you yell at me show my brother his txt say ot say while hes yelling and say you know why are cousin and uncle avoid and dislike him because he trusts you not to say yet you confront them angerly and even if they say i wont say anything you broke the trust then they will silently avoid because of your anger good job and was gonna smirk.Little did i know 2 days later my brother has a close friend 2 hours away hes known online for 2 years like how i went to see my online friends in colorado i try not to eavesdrop at night.accidentally head him say in a normal happy tone only reason he doesnt see him is hes awkward and he said he knows hes awkward.I told my dad and he told me he feels worthless and is in a bad place right now i asked if he passed his firefighter test my dad said no and i heard my mom within he week tell him he does nothing still would of done this knowing this info but on a spiritual note it could be guidance its bad that thinking of outcomes to hurt everyone possible thats sadistic thinking and i dont know if thats irrational calm anger that it happens i caught it once but in comics for example i liked venom.then heard about Carnage i bought all his comics in one part he threw a baby off the top and i liked it from the chaotic brutality the baby got saved from spiderman.. Also liked Hellsing Ultimate one of the most gory animes along with tanya the evil a Nazi loli anime to simplify she is know as the Devil of the Rhine where she solo turns the winning of the war.

i cant type the way i can naturally talk i think its because of the tone and more faster you can talk about things and i cant think naturally when typing unless its spiritual or blog writing like if someone needed help idk why talking is natural typing feels not and theres a reason also typing i have to think of how to phrase and its slow and the reason talking is natural is my brain thinks multiple ways at once like a flow so its going fast and typing is bogging me down

Also realized i self vent to a random friend same reason for my blog when ur enting you filter with yourself u say stuff and know people see or not but just to get it out and seen is better then hidden if its hidden in a journal its like u never said it.Thats the end of the blog and this song is from Eminem and the title of song its just about talking about life ,but the meaning of my conflict is I genuinely want to help people and care about them but the conflict is how can i be close and have more emotion for a cartoon then a family member how could i in the past tell my friend i wouldnt care if he died with him thinking of me as a best friend watching him cry drinking on xanax and watched till he slumped left call went to another call and was normal i feel like thats an analogy of ted bundy doing the worse coming back and being normal and no one knows what monster act u did they view u as a nice good friend.I didnt plan on writing but it came to my head because its with the conflict i am not fully apathetic anymore but i can still cut of people I just noticed and see sadistic things and thats not me ,so it makes me wonder is my past haunting thoughts or seeing suffering smiling like i like seeing it last time i ever remember a momet like that is before my gma had dementia and cried about her money problems and i watched her smiling and it was how i cant control when i smile I am going to pay attention because i have 0 harmful thoughts and 100% like and want my friend to feel better and help others.thats not me so what is it thats the spiritual conflict in me I got a anger moment rant in my therapists notes about church camp i did not calm my emotions mentally.Its like there is a chain around the obstacle in my way i cant expect it to be easy the journey is hard and long.not gonna focus too much but its on the radar and will eventually come.ill talk about it overtime with therapist..I am confused but church camp hit more then a nerve when delving into that chain darkness.Here is the song.

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