Judging a book by its cover

This picture represents how when wearing a that mask you look like a criminal but your really doing ok and everyone around you thinks your lying just like after this blog you may as well writing this blog because of what just happened today and within past 3 hours. Earlier today I decided look at my blood test results was told everything was perfect but forgot doctors and people in the medical field lie aka good manipulation because when i tell you what I am you would see why.Now i looked and my blood was good except saw three tings wrong she didn’t mention looked it up and I made an appointment to check on a a cyst on my liver that was growing before my mom and doctor both said i was ok before and my mom said well there would be something wrong with my liver if so.She really dumbfounds me with how much she counters me and thinks she knowws but cant tag me in a post and text me today which my bday was yesterday well its 12 am rn so 2 days ago exactly saying why aren’t you responding to everyone who said happy birthday and i told her that she didnt tag me.Now i looked up those three things extensively and when i had my doctors appointment I realized it now My EOS% levels were aka my antibodies were fighting something not covid. i had three things wrong she did not mention and guess what organ they regard my liver.why would she lie i wonder? remember i said good manipulation well if you conceptual perspective take and im not gonna explain theres a reason in the medical field for it aka good manipulation well basically I could possibly have Inflamming inside on my liver , an immune disease, multiple myleoma ,lymphoma ,or hodgekin’s disease btw which aka means possibility of cancer ,because i have been feeling physically not well mentally yes. I dont have hyperglyciemia so i am having many bad symptoms that grow day by day but i made this check up way beforehand i was supposed to check in on it every 6 months its been two years so i made an appointment. Also my therapist was alarmed when i said im making a will and thats reasonabl but i think ahead and in case of anything would like certain wishes granted.Now its a priority and shes coming tomorrow to help and she helped look stuff up so my bloodwok being 100% good and normal is actually in my mind bad because that crosses out stuff I had a feeling and just wanted to get scans.Not saying i have cancer but i dont wanna get all medical talk but you need to think of all possibilities and expect the worst if it to come.Now when i had my appointment I am very observant and she said im fine and i could tell it was sincere but said still u told me to check on my cyst because it was growing at a point and she instructed me to check in 6 months every 6 months. it was longer then a year and then she startd talking in a serious tone and reading my results i realized thats when she probably saw everything and stated scolding me brent its been two yeas here ill get a request for you.yeah thanks alot i heard the ton change and her turning around on me after saying im fine. she asked me to go over my meds with my psych to see if its causing anything so i called tonight 1 might but its not my meds.my meds dont make my equalibrium off and me falling or hair falling out or spasming un controllablly waking up or feeling weird or in every 5 seconds feeling a pulse in my brain like zooming in and out in intensity ad a ring but not from my ears i called my gma 1 am emergency and in a 3 min time frame it went from that zoom in and out to forehead hurting not headache then to a double pulse not like hearing your heart something never felt before and i told my mo to check on me while sleeping. Now im getting worse and worse by the day shaking against my will even when i ate so it wasnt hypoglycemia but my dad kept saying it was and before kept saying i might have diabetes because of my weight quite rude if you ask me.I am going to post cleaning out my closet by eminem at thew end because i relate in alot of ways but not in a harming way.Now me losing 90 pounds in 7 months is really crazy i have no hunger or thirst which when i looked at my blood results is a thing thought was a longterm side affect of my med that made me eat non stop and im just saying in my head its ok to prepare for the worst also if you have lymphoma or whatever ur fucked because its in ur lymphnodes and if malignant spreads to your body everywhere aka why i could be having all these things never before even had a time i couldnt see because i couldnt focus literaly double vison and everything couldnt see at all.you know what though i dont fear death nor am i scared no matter the case. had therapy on my bday a day ago ill with since it just hit 12. and i have an evil god complex when it comes to my spatula stories as in i make myself evil and read one of my stories and none of you know what the helll im talking about dont feel liking writing an essay on itbecause stll wont make sense its not related to my schizophrenia or anything. I read to her one of them and was asked about some delusional stuff or you know i can see a red flaggish went off by the way i think my blogs vs spiritual, vs spatula are 100% different and separate I also spin stories of close people in a very bad manner even though i think of them not in a way like that at all and close ones also not gona get into but if some knew what stories one did they would be freaked but i have no thoughts or animosity but my therapist asked me was my psych in any story ? i said not at all then i listed some and then she asked my parents like prodding it felt like because i went to the psych ward for almost killing my parents see i have so many stories them i cant remember off the top of my head but it isnt all friends i know some for a fact who i have made stories of no reason either.I use my spatula 24/7 and if i told u a bout it you would see why she reasonably asked about delusion kind of stuff but i feel it was my story actually telling her a story of one of the go complex ones how i wrote. It is me talking from a god point and in a way no one really thinks.Now my friend has got me into spirituality which so much has happened i trying to find myself and slowly and coming to terms with some things and realizing ad reflecting and so much i love it i feel so good. Now i also love anime gorey shows and evil characters right of the bat the more chaotic the better so you can see how there might be a red flag poppin up because i was asked if i had a gun which in my mind im like”yep red flag she has some concern” ,but was unsure and said do i have one? like me? she said yeah and i told her i cant own one which is true because of my 52/50 psych ward visit.She asked me if i know where my dads gun is because before when unstable i looked through his whole room and found his shotgun many times.I really didnt or hacent even had the thought of that and said no. Her being red flagged is reasonable i dont blame her ,but im worried she may be more concerned when i have her call me because i texted it was serious im fine just wanted to talk about what happened tonight and im always honest and thats why i hope she doesnt get concerned because im fine after i let my emotions out uim actually fine people cant healthy cope so the would think im lying thats ok if they do their opinion matters non i know what i know and hate when people say stuff im thinking or what i have or assume it really really pisses me off not with friends but my family. so my mom has brain damage from a car accident I know how to control my emotions but when something like the possibility of having cancer is a thing and ill get to tis soon no there are times where you should not control them and have every right to be mad just like people cry when someone dies. No human is perfect remember that. Now I was talking to my mom about it and she says wrong ,wrong ,wrong, and she counters me on everything it usually bounces off i walk away because its a waste this is different when i first started she was answering but in a way i know she isnt listening and is on facebook.I said your not listening your on ur phone she said your right i said thats not important this is.Then she tells me im wrong with stuff, uses the ima a nurse card, and i researched with my grandma and called my insurance 24/7 info nursead stuff to get told im wrong and there was a ratio and she viewed it as a decimal.so i said math is one of my favorite subjects and i was in advanced math mom do you know what a ratio is and she says i was in advanced math too and got better grades then you or something invalidating e by the way 🙂 i said when you see l/g thats division and then next to it even said ratio i said to her when you see a fraction like 8/4 what is the ratio she said 2 thinking she out smarted me i said its a ratio of 2 to 0 fractions can be ratios. then said whats is 8/6 she said 3/4’s and said thats 0.75 and turned it into a decimal first of all you fucking stupid bitch 4/3 is different then 3/4 and the ratio is 4 to 3.so it looks like im heated right now im not but let me say why i was when in this moment of talking she counters every little thing i say and even says i always do its me.Now She is irritated and said my grandma is coming over to look and im turning in my ultrasound request.I told her to research it to prove me wrong since by the way whole every single thing i said she says”wrong” and when i asked her to research she said i dont want to and i told i did and you dont even know how to fucing tag a person of facebook (regarding to why i didnt know 22 people wished me happy bdaya nd woke up to a text asking why i didnt respond) and i said you dont even give a shit you iterally say im wrong then say you dont even wanna look it up you dont even fucking care then she said go away crying threw the paper at my face like my dad which was the result of the 52/50 and i said your disrespectful and you dont give a shit alls you do is counter and this is something possibly fucking serious she said fuck you as i was walking away and when i heard that i went right up to her and said what did you say? what the fuck did you say you want to disrespect me? then she said it again and i said your ating like a bitch how do you like being cussed at and she said sternly go away and leave m the fuck alone and i told her so you want to run and cry and hide from your problems when you cant handle them i wasnt yelling im talking down on her like a kid shes acting like. iinvalidating something serious like that sory i havea right to be mad.then she says go away and i said what are you gonna do about it not yelling and she saiud you better leave and i said your not going to do anything ill stay here if i want you understand me? you cant make me do shit you got that then i walked away and sauid also remember thats why grandmas coming tomorrow why dont you call her and ask why shes coming she said no and i said see shows you dont give a fuck thanks bye. i then called my grandma which turned into a 2 hour call now i was on two klonopins 4mg i told her i am controlling my emotions and that if i wasnt on anxiety meds nor did i ever go to therapy ill tell you right now this would be a whole different scene. I told my grandma i am controling them even though im angry.My grandma tried to rationalize as all do but she at least doesnt make ignorant rationalizations. I said she invalidated my feelings and something that can e serious i was even freaking out about the thought of cancer im pissed at my mom. forgot to mention i woke up my dad pissed and told him and said you remember this conversation if something bad happens(like finding out bad news) of how mom didnt give a flying fuck and i said it again and walked away as i did my dad said ill pray for you i also told this to my grandma. i was very upset i bet my grandma has not seen me like that before it was a different upset then irrational outbursts my grandma tried to do an analogy and said if a social worker is drunk i cant say hes drunk i have to say theres beer n the ground i smelt it on his breath and saw him drink it so if your mom and you know she doesnt mean to be rude maybe its your feeling that she was rude i said no there is no thinking the words are the evidence kids killthemseleves because of shit she pulls and the parents wonder why when a kid gives hints all the time then killthemselves because theya re called lazy or its all in your head. you cant open up to friends because they make it worse told her examples.I also said you saying she didnt mean it is indirectly is you admitting she was rude and invalidating me but didnt mean to. I also told her and i started crying because my grandmas husband she told me he was whacked out and was told he was eating edibles but said it was black goopy on tinfoil and they said it was a brownie. That insta reminded me how you smoke black tar heroin off foil and it didnt even look like a brownie my gma said i was sad she was oblivious and his brother and sister asked my gma to OD him because they couldnt see him like that thats selfish of them.I even donated to a woman who had less then 6 months to live from cancer and got a condition that might make her not be functioning right because of my grandmas husband. You know how they say truama or anythig isnt a free pass or excuse for shitty behavior. well my mom has a brain injury and she drinks 6 glasses of wine a night to escape which you shouldnt do and she knows it so i told my grandma its ot an excuse because if they try to justify their shitty behavior and are or not in denial or even feel justified its not an excuse i like the saying free pass better its not a free pass and i told her if i wanted to cut ties right now for this incident my feelings are valid it doesnt matter if im told they are blood or its my mom If i feel i want to cut her off my feelings are just as valid as someone thinking it isnt but her shitty behavior can have consequences. If i cut her off id never let her see my children if i had some no ties ever and told my grandma iff she would be to coward to message me and have my gma as a middle man then id view her as a coward id also just talk back through her and give an ultimatum or i dont have to even forgive and if she commited suicide because of me cutting her off id call her a coward no sympathy that she didnt have the guts to talk to me and would do that instead of talking it out. I would view her as a coward the rest of her life. i even told my grandma when i was apathetic i said yuou may not mean things but in the song cleaning out my closet which is the end song of this blog and title of the last relates rn in alot of ways. I said to her again if i said before that i told my friend i was apathetic and confining i was always trying to get better he used it against me and alone would say shit like you dont even care about me and i said now that i remember to maybe even that hes just entertainment to me.Then one night he was really drunk and asked me sluring his words”you wouldnt even care if i died huh” I said in the normal sort of happier tone not happy but like ot bad mood or monotone nope not one bit and he viewed me as a best friend i then saw him bawling and he took so many different pills and drank and drank and i sat there feeling nothing knowing he could die i dont know why i stayed you would think someone would freak and leave but when you feel nothing you wouldnt know how its like i stayed until the pills and alcohol made him slump over like a dead body in his chair .you know what i did next? i have said this many times and i own up to my mistakes its why i mentioned the song. what i did next was leave the call and join another with friends and they had no idea i could of just watched someone die and talk so happy and play with them if they knew what had occured they would be appalled its why ive called myself a monster many times in my blog. now the song he says ive made many mistakes but at least im man enough to face them today and thats what i did i met him in real life in another state even though we both from the same and i cried saying how sorry i was i have empathy now but it wont ever be normal but its ok doesnt mean i dont care about people but when a person hears that they may think differently but i cant explaina nd you wont ever know until or unless it happens to u. so i owned up to what i did i told my grandma i did act out of line a little more then i should have with my mom id own up to it the question is can she or does she have to much pride. i didnt say that part but it was in my mind but i said would she and i heard someone taking a bath and i was talking loud my dad was awake and i know my wall and the bathroom ii can be heard through with a normal and i was elevated tone but calm and i said i bet everyone can hear me and i literally said out loud ” whoevers in the bath (not knowing if my dad o brother just got home from work) or can hear me if i wasnt on anxiety meds or ever got help you be glad i did because this would be different right now.I also said to my grandma there is no right or wrong in this world when my grandma and me were taking about agreeing and disagreeing and different opinions and i said hers are valid but i told her murder is vilified here but in the middle east a 13 year old girl can be tricked into sleeping with an older man put on trial the dad is given punishment deciding and beheads his own 13 year old daughter in her sleep well not whe he starts cutting shes not asleep a justice killing i the name of religion btw i told her can you imagine behaeading your daughter or my mom grandma? im saying that in this blog idk if i said that on the phone it was a 2 hour call. I did say how do you think my mom would feel if you said you hated her guts and wish she was dead and she said she would never and i said but if you did i see her post about how she couldnt live without you thats what mental health and trauma is like and why people kill themseleves so invalidating no matter how small it seems if its affecting them alot then its bigger then a vet with ptsd at a less level in that moment.My grandma said they may look and go wow i cant believe i was freaking over something that small then used myself as an example when i had to drive on the freeway i had a panic attack now i look at it and think wow thats small and i forgot the context was why you cant open up to friends or others is they tell you its small why are you freaking out so they feel like they are weak. anxiety literally makes problems and things feel big and horrible like the worst thing in the world of course later or even right after u might go wow cant believe that and then i said how my friend told me when he has anxiety he just goes and does it you need to remember anxiey is a normal human emotion its an illness when it affects your life. then weeks later comes crying in my driveway i gave him an anxiety med and just tried to say see when we talked about anxiety how you feel right now you cant stop it then he tells me “that has nothing to do with this” so he invalidated me after previously telling me what y anxiety is like. then weeks later i say when he normal state same statement when you were overthinking crying in the car thats how i feel u cant stop and says thats random and why are you bringing that up even once again invalidating me.so he obviously doesnt care to acknowledge or care but wants my help but you know what ill still help him because i told my grandma i have my own morals and values and thoughts no outside influence who raised me the media my friends will dictate anything for me im independent minded maybe not living in my own house but i will do what i want and no one will influence me unless they make some valid points or perspectives that make sense to me and i didnt think of it that way.It all thanks to a friend and a 7 min video so alls this may seem like im not fine but mentally i am even now my emotion of that is out now last thing i wanted to mention of my personal example and finish what i was saying lets go back to when he tells me about my anxiety that i just need to do it because he does and it goes away well he also insulted me and assumed and this would offend and piss off others who cant control emotions and you have a right to actually be mad he told me “i know why you haven’t gotten a job its because your parents give you everything” i told him nope thats not it i have bad anxiety and overthink about interviews like how some have 5 at one time or your against multiple people applying at once. ,but you see hes a covert narcissist. He envies and has jealousy issues compares himself to those who are doing suff with their lives ad he doesnt even have a diploma so who does he take it out on the only one with one thing that hasnt happened to them and has to him me he says i havent seen the real world and wait till i get a job and have to do taxes and pay bills ,if it makes him feel better thats ok he wants attention or needs to talk down to feel better for himself see i used not stand up for myself and be weak now his insults fly off like a particle you cant even see in the air this may sound bad but if he feels a tiny bit better then thats ok but its still very toxic and by ok i dont mean how he treated me i mean mentally i still care for everyone from afar even the toxic old online best friend i talked about in my blogs i talked to a mutual friend and reconnected and joined when my old friend was in there and i said to my mutual friend stay with him hes had a hardlife even if i dislike him for what hes done doesnt mean i wish for his dowbnfall hes lonely so just stay there for him your a good friend to him and me i just dont vibe with him anymoe. he also said “you have vacation everyday being at home you have all the time to relax what do you mean your busy” just because i dont wanna game this is back to the real life anxiety story friend. he goes personal no hes a manipulator easy to see through people and i know he adapts to what i say because his tactics dont work so he will try to say something like i have mental issues too i have bi polar comparing to my schizophrenia so now i lay the cards out before he can use them i say mental health unstability is not a vacation and you cant compare mine to yours whatsoever you have no idea what ive been through so dont group us.stuff like that before he can use it im not dumb. I could break my real lifes friends ego and shatter it into a million pieces and break him o a point of not being able to be repaired ,but im not that person i dont use intuition or psychology or any of that because im bigger then that.Ive been in the pits of hell through my life and one big rollercoaster but im not a downer who complains about it in fact i dont chat if i feel downish because it actually saps others happiness. I also dont say certain things ive had happen because people with depression or anxiety have asked sometimes i say small bits and they say to me i cant believe your doing well with such a severew illness and had that happen and im doing horrible because of this.you see me saying my past 1 people may judge hearing stuff and two they compare themselves and with depression when you think bad already you can think”im so weak i cant even handle something like this yet others can with this same scenario””im worthless” it makes me sad to hear that or even wondering if they think that because fighting mental illness is a battle you can breakdown cry and thats ok your human you have emotions we all need a cry sometimes or have rough points but there are better days even if your clouded and cant see it.I cry abut alot of stuff get it out and then im good i cry alot about my murdered psych i found out 2 years ago last month on the 15th exactly you can even see the blog i posted its dated the day i found out march 15th 2019 same year in summer i saw my online friends to help my anxiety that i almost backed out from.Thats all for this blog ,but some other symptoms i forgot to mention was instant memory lost as in im walking up just saying it and forget ,putting a pitcher of a drink in the microwave or gabbing my dads screwdriver and saying is this your toothbush my family laughed but its not funny i know somethings going on but you no why i have no fear whether bad or good news my friend who got me into spirituality. I remember a saying people say i have no purpose or wont be remembered or you die twice one when u die two when ur forgotten.well people remember the kind acts you go out of the way to do for them you never know if years later a person has kids and they remember you did something and they teach it to their kid or you made them change or you have no idea of the unknown causes of your kindness.before i say something i was gonna say my grandmas great gma got scammed by the person the panzi scheme is named after. hes famous hes a somebody but he will go down in history as a bad person that a scheme is named after him and the families that he scammed passes down who knows how many anger at him to this day.Now this is a tiny bit spiritual but since being spiritual ive started changing i wanted to be a nurse and save one life and my purpose would be complete ,but i have reflected all those i helped friends strangers i have already served my purpose and will keep serving i also made a promise to myself to help silently to those in need i dont need recognition.I already have been doing that now.So a thing that holds people back is the unknown i watch joe rogan and kanye and kanye thinks in a very unique way one example is when his mom was sick he prayed to god to stop feeling the pain of this and then his mother passed. some would be angry at their god “how could you take her from me!” kanyes thinking is that god took his mom and he cant ever fee another pain that bad again so he saw it in a positive way.Now another thing he said is what holds people back is the fear of the unkown. i also believe this he said if you put a little girl with a teddy bear but behind her is a giant human sized one she holds onto the small handheld because she does not know whats behind her.I really liked that that is what scares and holds people back. People say I am gonna be alone my whole life or im not in college im a failure and wont be anywhere in life its because your taking to big of a leap ,take small steps first. Why i dont fear death? I feel there is something there I have felt a guidance feeling but lets say any relgion was right or whatever or even athiests there is nothing after .so?if there is nothing why would i be scared i wont have a conscious?i wont be aware. I dont fear the unknown so wat happens happens im not saying i have cancer also just saying you always need to think of everything but the sings were not lookin the best.I wont make any assumptions till i see it come to light. One last thing thats spiritual a bit christians that agree with the death penalty i may of said alot of this stuff other then beginning everytime i write i go on many subjects but in the ten commandments murder is a sin so lets say someone killed your whole family you let your emotions get the best of you you want vengeance you want him dead he deserves to die.I thought god was the one only true judge it just goes to show human nature and how we arent perfect and thats not the point the point is idk if any1 knows this but a civilian carries out the lethal injections , also fun fact some states actually gass execute just like the nazi did. anyway the person that slaughtered their family they arrive to watch through the one way mirror hatred flowing in your veins you could never forgive them.Now? if you were the executioner would you carry it out ? you just get to avenge and get retribution for your family! and killed them by your ow hand free of no murder charge! doesnt change the fact you you just murdered someone legally your fine with someone else doing it but could you even take a life? when it comes to your hatred for what they did to your family or your religion whats gonna best you? are you gonna repent and think yo will be saved but if your debating it in your head in the current moment how can you be soryry you thought about it still went through? let ur human emotions get ya? there is no ight or wrong in this world. idk if i said about when i said the usa murder is vilified but in the east the do it in the name of their religion or some jihad for lust of the thought of having 72 virgins humans are evil in nature we all have some selfishness in us its impossible to be completely selfless. therefore humans are and never can be perfect.anyway that ends this blog im gonna post cleaning out my closet song and another eminem song with lyrics and my representations. of them.Now that im done I have a question to you reading do you believe me that im fine?or do you think im lying?That is all you can re-think on this after watching both vids and reading the lyrics and what they represent to me.

You fuckin’ groupie
Pick up the goddamn phone(me thinking to myself and trying to reflect)

Bitch, where the fuck were you Tuesday? With who you say?
I wasn’t at the studio, bitch, what’d you do? Screw Dre?
You went there lookin’ for me? Boo, that excuse is too lame
Keep playin’ me, you’re gonna end up with a huge goose egg
You fake, lyin’ slut, you never told me you knew Drake
And Lupe? You wanna loose two legs?

(This me now telling myself stop with automatically trying to justify things and think of it from a neutral standpoint ,yet u kep trying to make excuses even though humans will always i finally realize and called out myself i did bad things or cant believe my old self and am calling me out.)

You tryin’ to flip this on me? If I spent more time with you, you say
“Okay, yeah, and I’m coo-coo, eh?” — Well, screw you
And I’ll be the third person who screwed you today
Oh, fourth—Dre, Drake, Lupe—oohm, touché
You were too two-faced for me
Thought you was my number one true-blue ace
But you ain’t and I can’t see you when you make that wittle boo-boo face
‘Cause I’m hanging up this phone, boo, you make my fuckin’ Bluetooth ache
You’re feeling blue? Too late, go smurf yourself
You make me wanna smurf and puke blue Kool Aid
Here’s what you say to someone you hate.

(Myself when reflecting trying to flip it back on me like being in denial when i first started thinking on stuff and trying to find myself and even still.the me caling myself out again while things become more clear.then i thought i loved myself but got to own up and remember and accept my self and past the bad pat is two faced my brainn playing against me.talking about my illness and thoughts and anxiety as well. thinking on stuff and thoughts coming back i never could remember if i wanted but as i think more comes to light both good and bad and “bluetooth ” is my thinking my mind ,and making a boo boo face is me still trying to reason like being bad friend to a toxic friend and crying ex. just realizing it takes alot to think on things different then u have your whole life. .I feel bad of the past stuff i did but what happened ,happened its too late ,I feel better now that ive come to terms with alot and realized stuff i didnt before or how i viewed myself at points

and “make me wanna smurf(Puke)” as in my old self and stuff i dont want to say or cant put to words yet know in my head then repeat “and puke blue kool aid” as in I dont plan on ever telling people certain things everyone has deep dark secrets only(aka sugar coating) ,but i want to talk about it and tell deeply most to my therapist ,but others i make it light and not mention a fraction of the puzzle ,but still want to be heard like why i made my blog (dailylifegroup.blog) and have given it out to some who i trust ,because its me talking to myself not to someone else.talking to someone else about your feelings you know another is there it alters stuff w/o us knowing ,but writing a blog i naturally talk and write 5 hours straight about whatever i get a gut feeling when to write different then this spiritual text and like i said natural thoughts come so people can see raw thoughts even from unstable moments or my 52/50 experience. also sugar coating also since kool aid is sugar powder i literally cant put in words but its in my head and in the song cleaning out my closet which is funny because i named my last blog title that its another eminem song.in the music video theres its own meaning but when he goes into a chuch and prays its like the saying” its between you and god”

then ow when i hear that and regarding this song my human emotions i think of the second part you hear in movies”Its my job to arrange the meeting” and by that i already feel guidance and am bettering myself like the promise i made to myself so i am more self aware day by day and have changed in so little time im happy i got to the “meeting” which is like killing my old self as in not thinking in a way i did ,all because a 7 min video and my friend jerma got me to be spiritual it sparked something and i keep saing it was a war within myself on the scale of a world war and im gonna atch fight club now after this and its funny also ,because i took a xanax and they are blue and the street names of it are called smurfs and dolphins also meant to say in cleaning out my closet its about gettig off your chest and eminem’s mom got 10 million and he knows his fans may be mad but he did what he felt was right and now he had a voice and he used it.in other scene hes leaning sitting on the ground letting his emotons get ahold of him as if he had a breakdown fighting himself ,then pans to a grave being dug as in burying the past ,but crying at the end thats being irrational part in my eyes.”)

My life would be so much better
If you just dropped dead
I was layin’ in bed last night, thinkin’
And then this thought just popped in my head
And I thought, wouldn’t shit just be a lot easier
If you dropped dead?
I would feel so much, much better

(I always think about how if i never had illnesses or did certain things how things would be this is where human emotions come into play things happen for a reason would i be bettering myself and how i am now if i never had any problems?would i be one of those who say ignorant stuff because i dont know what mental health is like? would i be how i am right now trying to be a good person ,but my human emotions wish it never happened at the same time because hurting others doesnt feel god ,but thats unavoidable in life.)

Think I just relapsed, this bitch pushed me over the brink
Hop on the freeway tryna get some time alone and just think
‘Til the cops pulled me over, but they let me go, ’cause I told ’em
I’m only drivin’ drunk ’cause that bitch drove me to drink
I’m back on my fuck hoes, with a whole new hatred for blondes
But bias? I hate all bitches the same, baby, come on!
Excuse the pun, but bitch is such a broad statement, and I’m
Channelin’ my anger through every single station that’s on!
‘Cause a woman broke my he-art, I say, “he-art”
‘Cause she ripped it in two pa-arts and threw it in the garbage
Who do you think you a-are? Bitch, guess it’s time for me to get the dust off
And pick myself up off the carpet
But I’ll never say the L-word again
I lo-lo-lo-lo… lesbian!
Aaahhh! I hope you hear this song
And go into a cardiac arrest, my life’d be so much better if you just—

(I abused caffeine and relapsed with my illness being unstable again ad it was torture ,and I have hurt others still between me startig my journe to right now.Hurting is unavoidable no matter the type. i do things like meditate or go o drives or park at night in an empty parking lot before to think. cops pulling me over i take as my friends being worried when im happy about my life changes but to them it sems im not doing well when i sound drained from crying on an anime because im always upbeata nd they all are doing bad from covid stress im fine and happy ,but also this in past tense of me lying im fine.the”im back on my f*** hoes with a hatred for blondes.Biased? i hate all bitches the same baby come on!.”

i take as im back to my f hoes as in im back on my journey with bad and good along the way but wont let myself become the one i one was or how i thought of myself a monster. the second part biased? i hate all b the same come on i take blonde as in shitty behavior meaning i hate all those who hurt other and even more so to those who do it willingly and like to see it like i once did. you can also see human anger if listening because i am human and fight with biased people and get called biased and humilate people where they cant respond back like the wolf thig in san benito and political till they look like idiots or i insult them till they cant answer because its biased or assumers and its wrong of me to do i also know how to word so i say nice stuff but in a way they look bad to everyone wo sees the convo publicly een my own town people and even call people out to own up when they stop reponding knowing its wrong and shouldnt have down that.bitch being a broad statement i take as its more the just people its the world ,how things are ,government ,biased and assuming, debates, toxicity, materialistic things, and alot more so now the word bitch from this point can refer to more but its like encrypted and it was ot broad at first but the excuse me for the pun and then i say its broad to address more as an opening door my other thoughts.”a woman broke my he-art ,i say that because my mind at one oint was split ito two pats wanting help and evil.I viewed my self as something as small as a spec of dust ,but now and picked myself up for the better instead of giving up on the light as i say i my blogs which is hope.then the “ill never say the L word again. l-l-l-lesbian!” me tellig myself ill never go back but i know its impossible to not hurt then i did it because its unavoidable and let my emotions get to me or something else. then because my emotions are apart of me i go into detail and say cardiac arrest saying how i hope my old self dies.)


‘Cause you told me
You’d love me
Bitch, that was a lie
Now I never
Wanted someone to die
So bad in my fuckin’ life
But fuck it, there’s other fish in the sea

(i wanted to love myself but in the past i hated myself not i a depression way but as a monster ,but i am stating to love myself at times i have a hutle if i hurt someone but that shows i care now which makes me upset of how i thought of myself before because people did car about me even back then and i was in the depthsof the abyss ,but i have to keep moving on.)

And I’ma have a whale of a time
Bein’ a single sailor for the night, bitch, on a scale of
One to ten, shit, I must be the Holy Grail of
Catches, ho, I got an Oscar attached to my fuckin’ name (De La)
I might hit the club, find a chick that’s tailor-made
For me, say fuck it, kick some shots back, get hammered, and nail her
These bitches tryin’ to get attached, but they’re failin’ to latch onto the tail of
My bumper, they’re scratchin’ at the back of my trailer
Like I’m itchin’ to get hitched, yeah, I’m rich as a bitch
But bitches ain’t shit, I’d rather leave a bitch in a ditch
Bitch, you complain when you listen to this
But you still throw yourself at me: that’s what I call pitchin’ a bitch
That’s why I’m swingin’ at this chicks on-site
Long as I got a bat and two balls it’s foul, but my dick’s on strike
So all that love shit is null and void, bitch, I’m a droid
I avoid Cupid, stupid! Wasn’t for blow jobs, you’d be unemployed
Oye-yoy-yoy, man-oh-man, your boy-boy-boy’s
Gettin’ sick of these girls-girls-girls, oink-oink-oink
You fuckin’ pigs, all you’re good for is doink-doink-doink
I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one
She’s all 99 of ’em, I need a machine gun
I’ll take ’em all out, I hope you hear this song
And go into a cardiac arrest, have a heart attack and just
Drop dead, and I’ma throw a fuckin’ party after this, ’cause yes

(“im gonna have a whale of a time” after the other fish in the sea i take as moving forward there is so much more important and good things to look for in the future then daw on the past.”i got an oscar attached to my name” i take as im bettering myself ,but so suprised whe i talk about it the line before about calling myself the holy grail is on a whole different level then an oscar an holy artifact.Some see my happiness as me putting myself on a plate actually told that from someone angry ,but those who know me an oscar is golden and they know i actually care and love them and an oscar is like a golden heart or genuine like james to me but i hate labels so filling in stuff and hating bragging i got an oscar as in im proud of myself and how far ive come now overall from the help i have received as well. de la as in not from the US but from the soul. getting hammered and nailing her i take as i get tempted to get angry and stuff but then control my anger as there is no poit they will not change and it will make tension worse as how my mom was arested.I wont go bac to the old ways but sometimes wish i could and dreaming is a land of fun ad greatness since they arent normal.People good and bad try to get close and i can see through them now my intuition and observant behaviors and insight and psychology understanding level have somehow came i can see through alot.”im itcin to get hitched imm rich as a bitch rather put a bitch in a ditch”

i take it as i feel i can understand alot more and get upset that i get told im over analyzing or overlooking.Also now i can see cleaer and by rich as a bitch also my parents just gave me 500$ for my bday which is in 3 days i originally was gonna use it for things that are stupid to waste on so put a bitch in a ditch im saying how i made the promise to ymself to give to those in need instead of leading into temptation for materialistic things as my purpose in this world to me is helping and i have found many ways now. reminds me of the song talk to me by cavetown.you still throw yourself at me i callt hat pitchin a bitch. i take that as temptation is thowing itself at me a week ago i spent 300 in 1 go on a game i idnt even play one game yet still haent i am though gonna.or people trying to put their beliefs on you or lying to you is pitching a “bitch” aka outside influence. “thats why im swinging at this chicks on site.” im not letting it get to me and it bounces off easy.”Long as I got a bat and two balls it’s foul, but my dick’s on strike” as long as i got a bat(willpower) and two balls it’s foul(th strength and people might be mad their beliefs or toxic behaviors wont work on me) my dicks on strike ,i take as lots of men are lustful they say someones penis is their second brain and they think with their dicks im asexual in real life and can see a peson for who they ae just like mentally im seeing past all the lies and coming to pace and terms with things day by day.”So all that love shit is null and void, bitch, I’m a droid
I avoid Cupid, stupid! Wasn’t for blow jobs, you’d be unemployed” people forcing their thoughts or rationalizing or not understanding me im a droid i think for myself my emotions will not change from you.it may work on most but im unlike most others.)

“Oye-yoy-yoy, man-oh-man, your boy-boy-boy’s
Gettin’ sick of these girls-girls-girls, oink-oink-oink
You fuckin’ pigs, all you’re good for is doink-doink-doink” (,take it as me being tol the same things over and over and at the same time my thoughts that come and repeat wheher anxiety or spiritual or reflecting all the bad stuff is good for the gulliable who cant do stuf for themselves and isten to what they see and hear.)

I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one
She’s all 99 of ’em, I need a machine gun
I’ll take ’em all out, I hope you hear this song
And go into a cardiac arrest, have a heart attack and just
Drop dead, and I’ma throw a fuckin’ party after this, ’cause yes

(I got alot of problems but for those who take it literally with the statement as many do bitch was later said to be boad instead of singlular.so it isnt one its all of them so the 1 non problem is me on my journey which is long and will never stop but i view that as not a problem everything else is. I need a machinegun ,i take as my spirituality and guidance is giving me strength and need to also give e credit as im not just getting strength but guidance to it that helps me gain it and when i take them all out I i hope they realize where i stated to face the instead of run.then my emotions representing me as humans go further then the second verse and ill throw a paty as im happy now if i have a wife and kids and have a happy life after i pass and i did all i good to bing happiness to this world and not stray from my path whatever is on the otherside ill have at least served my wishes on earth and whatever is in store after in the unknow i hope i can be happy or see the unknown thing i have done both good and bad and have a paty as in clearity to finally seeing the auses that rippled from my actions so double meaning.)

I’m just playin’, bitch
You know I love you

(I am proud where i am and love myself more now the ever cant say you can truly ever fully love yourself at happy moments yes temporarily but if you made a bad mistake you may fel opposite but you can alwayslove yourself to a degree and the word bitch in this last line is me saying im proud of you ,but also you stil have things you neeed to do and a long way to go as a reminder.)

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